hardcore pawnography

it seems disconnecting and leaving an adjourned game when you lose your queen or when you know you will be mated next move, while still a standby ( i have about 9 adjourned games, and no one will resume them even when they are online and idle) is losing some popularity.   the hot new trend seems to be letting the clock run out, especially when you realize you messed up in the first two minutes of ten minute game.

this has happened to me a few times now.  i take a piece or two, the guy stops playing, and i sit there and wait for 5-8 minutes for the clock to run out.   it doesn’t actually bother me all that much, even though i want to quickly get my next fix and blitz my day away.  i usually surf the internet, look at videos or whatever, check back occasionally to see if he is still there (yeah, he is) and do other stuff.  i once got up and made myself a sandwich, came back, and he still hadn’t moved.  it was a tasty sandwich.

sometimes if you are idle too long the game adjourns, but on FICS or if there isn’t too much time left, they just sit there. like they are punishing me.

really?  is the arbitrary number next to your lame ass chess handle all that important?

maybe it’s just a fad, and they will go back to disconnecting.   but for now, if you want to be current and hip,  when you are losing, or about to get mated, don’t  resign or play on, just walk away, do something else, stop playing entirely, ESPECIALLY if there is more than 4 minutes on your clock.  that will show whoever you are playing that they are the loser, even though they just beat you on move 6.

just a note:  neither i nor my wife have anything to do with the guy (i assume its a dude, probably a kid) posting as mrs chessloser.  if you get a comment from mrs chessloser, just treat it as spam.

leafing through the 90+ pages of the USCF SALES “annual buying guide,” i noticed a whole lot of stuff that, really, i don’t understand.  pages 2 – 11 are dedicated solely to chess pieces.  really?  i love chess, but how picky are chess people that they need so many different “styles” of chess pieces.  do you *really* care if your knight’s horse nose is pointing down or not all the way down?

then there are the figurine chessmen.  other than the simpsons chess set, does anyone actually use figurine chess sets?  you can’t tell if you just moved a bishop or a pawn, you don’t know what is what.  what the catalog didn’t’ have was cool, actual chess things that might be actually useful.

for example:

Tal brand cigarettes.   I know smoking is unfashionable nowadays, but people do still smoke.  Hell, i would smoke Tal brand cigarettes, because they would have a picture of Tal on the box, perhaps the one where he is smoking.

and what would go better with Tal brand cigarettes than….

Alekhine’s Reserve brand vodka!   You just had a bad day at a tournament, you go back to your room and drown your sorrows in Alekhine’s Reserve brand Vodka!  (made with potatoes, like vodka should be made, not that grain vodka crap that is all over) .  You had a great tournament, you want to celebrate?  What better way than with a bottle of Alekhine’s vodka.   And of course, the bottle would have a picture of Alekhine on it.

and finally….

Capalanca brand Condoms.  You are at the tournament, you are already in a hotel, you meet a chick at the hotel bar, perhaps she is there for the quilting conference or a wedding or something.   You offer her a Tal brand cigarette, get to talking, invite her to your room for a glass of Alekhine vodka, and next thing you know, you are reaching for your Capablanca brand condom, which has the chessboard pattern and makes her feel like she is with the coolest guy in the world.

these are things i want to see in the “buying guide.”

Of course, i would be doing all this with my Endgame Clothing T shirt on.  There really is no other way to be doing it.

so there i was, minding my own business, lazily browsing through the new USCF monster huge catalog, the winter “buying guide” or whatever it is.  pieces, boards, bags, books, dvds, key chains, bracelets, all sorts of stuff you need to play a boardgame * and then i got to the clothing and apparell section,  and there, on it’s own kick ass page, is ENDGAME CLOTHING!!!!!!

 how awesome is that?  wasn’t it a small start up company just a few months ago?  now, if a whole page in the USCF Catalog is to be interpreted correctly, if you aren’t wearing ENDGAME Clothing at a tournament, or everyday in school or at work, then you aren’t a real chessplayer, and frankly, you suck. 

It makes me want to enter a tournament just so i can be seen walking around with my ENDGAME CLOTHING t-shirts, which just wearing them should increase my rating by about 200 points. 

so, i just want to say, in all sincerety and seriousness,

Congratulations John, it put a huge smile on my face to see your stuff in the catalog.  I hope Endgame Clothing just gets bigger and bigger and becomes the TAPOUT of the chess world.  rock on man, keep kicking ass.

* i have thougth about this, and i have some ideas i’d like to share about products that arn’t out but could/should be, in my opionion.  i will write about them in my next post, when i get around to it.

so i’m hanging out, minding my own business, when i get an email from getting to 2000 .  he is driving across the country, he is in colorado, he needs a place to crash.

my door is ALWAYS open, so he comes over and spends the night. 

it was great to see him and meet his family.  sadly i had to work the next day, so i couldn’t spend as much time with him as i wanted to, but we got in 2 blitz games in which i lost with flying colors.  it was great.

talking to him, playing a blitz game with a human sitting across from me, reminded me how much i love chess.  listening to him tell me about the tournament reminded me how much i miss the tournaments. 

perhaps in a few months, when i get shit straightened out, i will start again. 

until then, i’ll be camping and hiking and canyoneering in zion national park, utah, and other places, taking road trips, and just kinda surfing the tide of life like the flotsam that i am. 

thanks Ivan, it was a real boost to see you.

chess was a burning flame in my soul, an all encompassing passion, a torrid love affair, a reckless addiction, a compelling need.

lately though, the bright sun that is chess has seem to gone supernova, burned out to a black hole.  yeah, it’s interesting, yeah i blitz on ICC, but my interest has emulated the stock market, and gone down considerably.  there was a brief upswing, the dead cat did indeed bounce, but it remained dead, and landed with a dull thud.

perhaps it is because i am working “part time” meaning six nights a week, midnight to 0800 am, and i dont sleep during the day, so i am tired and dazed and grumpy.  perhaps i just realized i will never really get good at chess, my attention span is shorter than keanu reeves’ singing career, and quite frankly, i’m not that smart.

maybe i just, deep down inside, know its just a game, and i see people take it so seriously, like online rating is a direct reflection of themselves, it kind of puts me off.

maybe i’ve just OD’d on blitz.

either way, spring is here, i wanna ride my bike, i wanna sleep for more than 3 hours in a 24 hour period, i’m going to japan next month.  chess is taking a back seat.

i have the greatest respect and i’m humbled by those of you who have kept the fire and passion alive for so long, who continue to be teased by the secrets chess has to offer, who follow it down the rabbit hole to see just how far it goes, knowing you will never ever ever find the end.  that is what makes you so damn good, and i salute you.

part of me is sad, its like losing my religion.   but for now, i’m gonna go do other stuff.

chigago open, philly open, vegas, reno, so many tournaments that are out there, so many tournaments that i wont be playing in this year.

no, i will not be going to any tournaments this year, partly because i’m not really focused on chess right now, and partly because its just so expensive right now.  not counting the entrance fee, there is airfare, hotels, rental cars, with the economy the way it is, i have to be a bit more frugal with my savings.

and it struck me.   i cannot be the only one who is thinking like this.  what will the tanking economy’s impact be on chess tournaments, and by extension, the chess scene itself?

then i got to thinking, obama is doing a lot to change the country, and not for the better.  all these government programs to “help” the people have to be funded by someone, the government doesn’t just give you shit for free out of its pocket.  all these government programs, the bailout, free healthcare, all that, comes from TAX DOLLORS that everyone must pay.  so our taxes are going up, giving us less money for chess tournaments and the cool new book on the latest in the catalan opening.

obama is also doing some hinky shit, like the blair holt gun control bill, making it a criminal act to not register as a gun owner.  why does the government need to know i have a gun?  it also makes it more difficult to buy guns and ammo.   how does this affect the hunters and people who live off of hunting, feeding themselves and others off what the earth gives us, instead of processed crap food that makes us fat and unhealthy.

but i digress…

thing is…people are so worried about what is happening, the government running things into the ground, chess is a low priority, being put on the back burner.   what will happen to chess?

so i think i figured it out.  obama is working for the russians, it all makes sense.  he is a socialist, bit of a communist, and he wants to get the government running everything, take the power away from the people.  but why?  why would he do that?  because the russians were afraid we would start to dominate chess.  so not only do they get the united states to turn communist so they can rub it in our face, but also, seeing as no one will be playing much chess because everyone is worried about jobs and eating and living in a house instead of their car, we will fall out of the whole chess scene, and the russians will again dominate the chess world.

fuckin obama.  not only is he destroying my country bit by bit, but he’s also taking away chess.  if it gets much worse, we need to have a revolution and take back our country and chess.

yesterday was dr. seuss’s birthday. my winning streak is like dr seuss. dead. i’m back to losing, all is right with the world.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me

i once was lost, but now i’m found

was blind but now i see

so i was reading silman’s reassess your chess workbook which i really really like, and there was a great problem where i had to find which move was best. i didnt find it. i didnt come close. it was a pawn move.

i just didn’t see it. why?!?!?!?!? i was chessblind.

this makes no sense, how could i not see the move?  all the pieces are right there on the board, nothing is hidden.

it’s as if my mind refused to acknowledge that little pawn could or should move. it’s like my mind only looks for good moves, blatant and bold moves, big piece moves. master games are filled with “quiet moves” that mean a lot, and my not recognizing small moves means i’m not playing with my whole army, and also it shows how crappy a chess player i really am. ouch, my ego.

not seeing every possible move also severely limits creativity, and to me, creativity is not just the fun part of chess, but an important part. its what makes you sac your bishop for no apparent reason, when 4 moves later your opponent has to resign or face mate because of what you saw and did.

it might be tedious, but i think i will go over a game, and EACH move, look for and actively recognize EVERY possible move, no matter how stupid or crazy or worthless. train my brain to see EVERY possible move that can be made, and then train it to evaluate which might be good or bad.

i’m hoping this will be my amazing grace, and i will no longer be chessblind.

oh, and in case you didnt know, amazing grace, the theme to gilligan’s island and the animals’ house of the rising sun are all interchangeable, you can sing any of the lyrics to any of the melodies. this is good to know and can be rather fun if you go to a church that sings amazing grace.

so, i’ve been winning a lot.  not that i am complaining, but its strange for me.   i’ve been consistently beating 1200s, 1400s, even the occasional 1500.  i went two days playing games on ICC and winning them all.  i feel like i am almost a real chessplayer.  it was like i couldn’t lose.  i wonder if this is kind of how capablanca felt?

i’ve been playing a trompowsky colle.  i think i invented it.  i love the colle, it seems so natural and easy to me, i guess i like it because i understand it, i know what i am going to do.  i’m gonna put everything i can into supporting e4.   but before i do this, i put my bishop on g5, usually move 2, ala trompowsky.  i doubt this is a sound maneuver, (unlike the heimlich maneuver, which, while useless in chess, is a great maneuver for choking victims).

but i seem to win with it.  perhaps its all those capablanca and petrosian games i’m going over.  perhaps its the tactics ive been studying.  i dont know why, but i’ve been winning a lot.  and i like it.

but its odd.  i’m so used to just losing, i keep waiting for the dream to end, the bubble to pop, the clock to strike midnight me to turn back into an unstoppable losing juggernaut, able to lose to the crappiest player on ICC.

i’m gonna ride this wave as long as i can.

i got a job, i’m a part time security officer at a hospital.  it gives me a reason to shower and leave the house, and i get some extra cash that maybe i can use to go to a tournament.  i miss them, but i just dont feel like playing in one right now.  maybe next year.

the job is not that difficult, and i’ll be working midnight to 0800 am, so it should be pretty quiet.  i will bring my tactics book with me for something to do.

so the watchmen is coming out on march 6th, i remember reading it about 20 years ago.  i recently re-read it, got a lot more out of it, i’m looking forward to the movie.  i know it isn’t actually about superheros, its a story with superheros in it, but it got me thinking….

many superheros started out as cops or security guards who got shot up and almost died and were given some top secret treatment, usually some “super soldier program” and things went odd and they became superheros.  robocop (i consider him a kind of superhero), the punisher, remo williams (again, a kind of superhero) etc.

i thought since i will be working alone, at night, in a hospital, doing foot patrols in the basement which reminds me of something out of DOOM, there is a good chance i could get shot and beaten, almost to death, and whisked away by a black helicopter to a secret government lab and reconstructed, maybe with adamantium armor (if so, i’m growing out the muttonchops) or whatever, then i can go rogue, and i will be a superhero!  finally!

of course i will be some kind of chess themed superhero, that goes without saying.  i’ll probably go by the name of checkmate, my costume will be checkerboard, no cape, and of course, after i catch and round up the bad guy and leave him tied up for the police to get, i will utter my super cheesy yet somehow hip tag line “you’ve been checkmated.”

so yeah, i got that going for me.  perhaps if i do become a superhero, the first thing i will do is fight against ICC and have them totally remove that stupid “premove” option, where impatient people like myself can move before the opponent moves and end up doing shit that loses a rook or queen or whatever.  damn that thing.  yeah, i could just disable it, but i would just re-enable it.

i will probably write more about my adventures as a hospital mall cop in the near future.

the biggest thing keeping me from getting better in chess is my own mind. i have the attention span of a flea. when i study, i sit down, then all of a sudden, i need a cup of tea, then i need to just look at something over there, then i suddenly remember i have to find a socket wrench in the garage because i will need it later this week.

when i am actually playing chess, i want my opponent to move NOW, lets go, just move the damn piece, what are you looking at?!?!?!?

this is a very bad trait to have when you are trying to improve in something that requires you to sit for hours and focus on one thing.

i was told by a reliable source with direct access to the information that one of the things college kids are doing to get better grades is “cheating” by abusing ritalin. ritalin, used for kids with ADD to bring them up to a “normal persons” level of ability to concentrate, will allegedly help a “normal person” really really really concentrate and focus like a mad super genius. and who doesn’t want to be a mad super genius?

when someone who doesnt need it takes ritalin, supposedly it puts them in some kind of chemical induced “trance” where they will sit there and concentrate and focus for hours, able to study super hard with complete retention.

of course i am skeptical, but i was thinking, “damn, i could take ritalin and learn all the lines to the french defense and be unbeatable!” also, i could take ritalin at a tournament and sit there and ignore the annoying opponent across from me and destroy!

all i have to do is go to the doctor, prove that i have ADD, and walk away with the key to becoming a chess master in a plastic bottle. SWEET!

or i could hang out near schools and mug the ADD kids.  that also is an option.  if i’m gonna do the crime, might as well make it big.  go big or go home.

would it be cheating? would the chemically enhanced ability to concentrate be some kind of unethical upper hand? assuming it actually works, is ritalin the steroids of chess?

it almost makes me want to try it.

(no, i’m not going to try it, not for any reason other than i’m too lazy to go through whatever trouble it takes to get the ritalin, and i don’t trust ingesting any chemicals other than alcohol, tobacco, caffeine, sugar, and bacon [ yes, bacon is an addictive chemical that i love to abuse and will not go to rehab for])

it took me, what? about two years or so?

i finally learned the secret to playing chess.

just play chess.

and by that, i mean do all the stuff they say to do from the beginning, all the basic “yeah, i know that” stuff.  develop the pieces, put them on the squares they belong.  king belongs in the corner, rooks belong on open files, or the c file.  knights belong on c3/6, f3/6, unless on d2/7, depending on if you are gonna push the pawn.

i played against a 1700 guy, i won.  i didnt do anything crazy or weird, i developed boringly.  this put my pieces in the right spot for tactics and combinations, he made a small error, i got a tactic where i checked his king and won his queen and i won.

i played a 1500 guy, pretty much the same story, i won.

i play an 1100, i bring out the bishop and queen on move 3 to attack, i push the g pawn for no real reason, i lose.

you cannot attack prematurely.  you cannot siege a castle if your battering rams, ladder guys, archers, and infantry are not ready and coordinated.

its just so easy!

yet i still manage to lose way more games than i win, to people rated way below me, so what the hell do i know?

as much as i bag on ICC, i still like it a lot.  i do play on FICS occasionally (my FICS handle is mandalorian), i like it, but i seem to prefer the look and feel of ICC to FICS. i find my mind wandering and i’m not able to see the board or concentrate as well when i play on FICS. i use the baba chess interface if that matters.  i think part of the fun of ICC is the tools on there, as well as some really cool people.  but the cool people aren’t interesting to write about, they are just cool pe0ple.

so i’ve been revisiting and re-going over games in chernev’s logical chess move by move and i got turned on to the colle system of 1d4, where you put your bishop and knight so they can support e4, and you tear open the middle and such. i really like it, it speaks to me, i feel comfortable with it.  my brain seems to understand and accept it, it feels like a pair of comfy warm slippers, and it seems to work out ok on ICC.

i was reading secrets of chess training by dvoretsky/yusupov, which i know is waaaaaaay beyond me, but i like it, it makes me think and i intellectually understand what’s happening. in it, yusupov talks about keeping a sheet of papers (i use my notebook) and when you come to an interesting position in a game, draw it and talk about it and such. this helps to burn it into your brain, you end up with a nice catalog of positions, and it helps you learn all around. in the book they use a position from the zukertort – blackburne london 1883 game, (ive mentioned this in a previous post) and yusupov says draw the position and label it “attention to opponents possibilities” etc etc etc.

so i’ve been doing that with positions i like and i seem to get into or near. thing is, my drawing is shit. i could and probably should do the position online and print it out, but sketching it seems to help make you really “see” the position. so now my notebook has a bunch of pages with some shitty drawings that you cant really tell what the hell is going on in, and my 3rd grade scribbles next to them.

i can only assume im somehow learning. at least its a fun activity i can do on a rainy day, and it keeps me off the streets. it doesnt keep me from blitzing though. i still have to deal with that addiction.

oh wow, after reading my title, i bet it looks like i’m gonna make a joke about getting a drawn game.  i’m not.

when i play a game of chess online, i honestly appreciate the opponents time. especially when they are rated higher than me and i challenge them, i feel like they are taking their time to play me, even though its probably a waste, and i appreciate it.

because of this, i have an automatic response which pops up as soon as my game has ended. something to the effect of “thanks for playing a game, i hope you had fun.”

i also want to kind of remind people that this is a game, a fun way to pass the time, it signifies nothing.

my (and your) ICC rating means nothing to anyone. its the superfluous nipple of numbers, there but no real purpose.

it amazes me the weird replies i get after a game. after i lose, usually they write and say “yes, i had a great time!” of course you did, you won. its odd they say it though, it’s almost like “yeah, you suck, i loved it!” i have yet to have someone say they had a good time after they lost.

i have had people who won and then told me how i suck and they are great, bullies and trash talkers. really? is your life so miserable beating someone online in a game is all you have? grow up, beat your wife and dog and children, and have a nice life. sorry about your penis.

when they lose, i’ve gotten “fuck you,” i’ve been put on no play lists, accused of cheating, and had some other not too nice responses.

my tag is chainsmoke, and i get a large number of people who send me the “smoking is bad for you, stop smoking” messages. really? you think i should? thanks doc, this is the first i’ve heard that smoking is bad, i guess i will quit now cause you said to. i just have to start first.

i am always suspect of the guys who play a 5 minute or less blitz game, and take up to 10 seconds for each of the first 5 or 6 moves. i can only imagine some kid or guy sitting with his “beat the sicilian” book open, furiously flipping pages to see what the next move should be. really, i dont trust half of them and usually think they are cheating when that happens.

one guy actually put me on his no play list because i open with 1d4. we would start, i would play 1 d4, he would abort. twice this happened, then he sent me a message saying “you are on my noplay list, i dont waste time with boring 1d4 players.” i hope he doesnt play some of those boring grandmasters at some of those boring tournaments.

then there is the guys rated higher than me who play me in a rated game, they win, then they keep on challenging me, over and over, i guess to show me how they can beat someone rated 300 points lower then they are. usually by the 4th game (yes, i keep on playing, i dont care) i make retarded moves on purpose, then resign, and they keep on challenging me to a rated game. i play, lose, wash, rinse, repeat, until they get bored or annoyed or realize i’m not even playing, then i end up on a no play list. i didnt challenge them, i wasnt wasting thier time, why put me on a no play list? saves me the time to put them on the list, i guess.

there is a small town’s worth of people who put their queen en pris, i take it, they ask for a takeback, a draw, abort the game, get angry when i dont do anything, and then disconnect.

it just strikes me as scary how many people on the other side of the screen appear to have their whole life wrapped up in it, how they seem to define themselves by their ICC rating or how well they play chess.

there are some way cool folks, more than the pathetic mental cases, but the fagtards seem to be the ones who really stick out, come to the surface, have the presence.

i gotta say, i think i like them for the same reason i have to watch “i love money 2″ or any of the vh1 reality shows. amazing how humans can act and be and still manage to live so many years. you would think they would have been weeded out by now, but oh no.

they are out there. and playing chess on ICC.