hardcore pawnography

music is important to me. music is art, it is a drug, it is a tangible filled with intangibles.

music and chess are quite linked. in addition to studies ( i LOVE throwing in the word “studies” without any qualifiers, like what studies or who performed them, to make things i say sound way more official than they are) showing relationships among higher brain functions between music, math, and chess, there is a butload of music about chess, not to mention the musical “chess.” Mark Taimanov was a concert pianist, started his amazing life with music.

music directly affects moods, it can calm, it can enrage, it can make you happy or sad. nothing new here, we all know that. the reason i bring it up here is because music seems kind of important and relevant to chess (i know i don’t speak for all).

at the tournament i saw more than one kid with an mp3 player, rocking out or whatever during a game. perhpas he was listening to an audio coaching session, but i like to think he was listning to the new linkin park cd.

i wonder how many chess players listen to music to study, or during play, and what type of music they listen to.

perhaps some vivaldi or beethoven to calm you so you can concentrate and calculate moves, perhaps some disturbed or bad religion to pump you up and get you into the violent “i’m gonna take every one of his pieces” mood. perhaps you listen to yes or jeff beck to get you back into the groove of the 70’s (i’m talking to the old guys on this one).

to me, music gets me in the frame of mind, pumps me up, makes me feel like i know what i’m doing. the sounds flip whatever switches in my brain to help “turn me on,” the music is also a great mood enducer during a game, makes it more fun, some pleasant background auditory scenery.

some people study with the music on, and then can use that same music as a means to help recall what they studied, put them back into the focused frame of mind.

what music do you listen to before or during a game. do you switch it up? does it help?

since this is about music, if you’re looking for something new, here is a link to some free new music by various bands. perhaps it’s something you like, perhaps not, but here it is…
http://www.adultswim.com/williams/music/warmandscratchy/

rock on chess players…

*note: when it was announced that a chess master would be on hand to analize games for free, i saw an opportunity. i decided i would try to get an interview with him, ask him about stuff to see the thought processes of a rated chess master, what and how he thinks. i also figured i could post it to share those thougths with the chess community, not only for everyone’s overall improvement, but also so everyone gets to know the big guns of the chess world a bit more, and to help make this an almost legitamate chess blog. this is the first in a hopefully long list of interviews with rated masters. i will interview any master or grandmaster i can get my hands on and post it right here.

for those who don’t know him, FM Danny Rensch is only 21 and seems to have it all. Young, good looking, (sorry ladies, he is taken) and a super cool and freindly guy. he was on hand all weekend analyzing games of anyone who showed up. i don’t think i saw the guy rest more than 3 minutes. he also played a simul, winning 28 and drawing 1. he doesn’t lose. ever. as i said in yesterday’s post, you see how much he loves chess in the way he explains things to and teaches the younger kids, as well as takes time to explain things to dumb old guys like myself, always with enthusiasm. the guy is awesome. if he is the future of chess, things will be great.

here is the first ever (and not the last if i can help it) inteview with a master:

chessloser: this is a chess interview, first things first. boxers or briefs?

FM Danny Rensch: Briefs.

cl: you ever get your ass kicked by a 10 year old?

DR: hahah, when i was 19, i lost to a 12 year old. gotta watch the kids, there are some good ones. when i was younger, i would take points from the higher rated guys. now, i have to watch out.

cl: who is your biggest influence/favorite player, living or dead?

DR: alekhine. definately alekhine.

cl: what’s your favorite opening?

DR: Nimzo-Indian.

cl: (squirming in his seat a little like a little girl) yes! that’s my favorite as well. if you could change one thing in the chess world, what would it be?

DR: oh, there are lots of things i would change, lets see….in the us, i would change the perception of chess players, remove the nerd stigma attached to chess. internationally, i would say the financial side of it, especially for players.

cl: if you could never play chess again, what would you do?

DR: i’d keep teaching, i don’t know, i would probably be an investor, possibly get into law.

cl: you go home right now, put in a cd, or you get in your car, put in a cd, who is it?

DR: oh man, i love music, it’s a tough question. mat kearney, john mayer, jack johnson, foo fighters. i like all genres of music, but i’m not into rap or hip hop. although, i did go through a stage when i was younger…..

cl: how long can you hold your breath?

DR: hmmm, now i’m not sure, but in my swimming days, i would say over a minute.

cl: cool, thanks very much for your time.

DR: your welcome. and really, after seeing your game, you should think about getting a new hobby. perhaps monopoly?*

*he didn’t say that last bit, i made that part up, but i bet he was thinking it. i was.

the hotel lobby is buzzing, there are kids running all over, chess moms and chess dads carrying snacks and totebags and books, chess coaches giving last minute tips. some people are walking around with a tense excitement, others are walking around with a “same old drill” look, almost bored, then there is me, with a stupid grin and the lost look of an immagrant to a seriously alien country about my face.

day one
saturday morning, i got in the night before, checked in, and went out for coffee at “the safehouse,” the hippest coffee shop in tucson. bikers and punks and artists and writers, my tattoos and chain wallet blend in and i am welcome with a smile and sarcastic wit. we drink our coffee, hang out, and go back to the hotel. i am wired from numerous cups of extra strength coffee and excitement for the next day. mixed with the kids running up and down the hall and michal fucking flately practicing his riverdance moves in the room above me, i manage a solid 1 /12 hours sleep.

after a super tasty breakfast at franks, we go back to the hotel for round one. i am super tired, but i have many games of drunken chess under my belt, i should be able to play decently with little thinking. i was wrong.

i find out that i could get 1/2 point for every bye, and i can have as many byes as i want. this means i can get 6 byes, one for each game, not play, and end up with more points than if i play every game. awesome. too late though, i am here to play me some chess.

round 1
as tired as i am, i con myself into thinking i am ready. there was some confusion as my board had two sets of guys assigned to it, so they moved us to another board and the game commenced. my first opponnent was a quiet kid who didn’t look happy to be playing me. i was white, he played the sicilian, i was going to play a wing gambit or the grand prix attack, but i said fuck it and made up my own crappy opening, and he handed me my ass in 16 short moves. i resigned and he looked surprised. thing is, i could have dragged it out but i was tired and wanted to go back to my room. i’m not taking anything away from him though, he played strong, better than me, he earned and deserved the win.

round 2
round 2 we find out there will be a huge fiesta (this is tucson, people drive up from mexico to celebrate weddings and quinceaneras) and there will also be some kind of casino night going on, so the ever flexible and quick thinking tds make arrangements and move us into smaller, hotter, smellier rooms. sweatshop chess. i consider them cozy and intimate. tds are extrememly friendly, patient and helpful and make things run as smoothly as they can. people are all walking around lost, trying to find where they will play, eventually we find the boards and the second round commences.

second game was against an 11 year old. i was black. game lasted longer, i was feeling a bit fresher, frisky, and felt like sacing everything in sight. he won, of course, out played me, and did a great job.

day one down, i’ve lost both games, both to two kids. time to go drink at the surly wench which is the best bar in tucson. another place i belong. that is where the roller derby girls hang out. and this ends my first day of my first chess tournament ever.

two losses under my belt, i feel warmed up and i want to play right now this very second, i’m sure i would come close to possibly stealing a win from someone. i am excited about about playing chess, i’m having a great time, i can’t wait for tomorrow.

day 2

i wake up, tired. the enthusiasm i had seemed to have been sucked out over night, perhaps by an enthusiasm vampire. i dont feel like going down to the chess hall for further humiliation, but fuck it, that is why i’m here, isnt’ it? i drag my sorry ass downstairs for another whooping. we are back in the main chess room and will be for the rest of the tournament.

the lobby is abuzz, everyone is playing quick practice games with each other, parents and coaches are watching and reviewing. it almost smacks of child abuse, like kiddie beauty pagents are child abuse (kiddie beauty pagents are sick and should be illegal actually, at least chess is nothing like that). some of the kids don’t look happy, they look like they are being forced into it by parents. yesterday at the pool, some kids said they wanted to swim, thier parents said “no, you have to practice.” a bit sad.

round 3

i’m at the table with all the other guys who didn’t win. my opponent is a happy freindly 10 year old asian kid. great, now i get to lose to a 10 year old. at least he seems happy. i’m playing black, i fuck up the opening, he is about to end my pain. i am thinking what a waste it will be when i throw out all my chess books. fuck it, i will play it to the end. somehow, the kid goofs, i end up pushing a pawn and i mate him. holy crap. i think i won. yep, i won. a small glimmer of hope twinkles deep in my dark heart.

outside, i thank him. i tell his mom and coach he played really well, i got lucky. his mom is angry at him, his coach is angry at him. his mom says “you didn’t get lucky, he played bad and let you get lucky.” i thank her and quickly back away. poor kid.

ok, maybe it will be a better day. i am ready for the next game, but that is hours away. while everyone else is in thier rooms, analyzing, preparing, studying, i hit the town, get some food, hang out at the mall, go back to my room, read a book, take a nap. perhaps i should be studying.

i walk around handing out HARDCORE PAWNOGRAPHY stickers, pimping out my chess blog. turns out lots of chess players don’t know about chess blogs. also turns out lots of parents think i am trying to sell porn or something. only a few people laugh at the title and realize it’s about chess without explanation. some, with explanation, still think it’s about porn.

round 4

i know i am playing white, i am ready. my opponent is a sad looking 16 year old. poor kid. i try to make some jokes, cheer the kid up, he looks mortified. i play my e4, kid plays c5, i play knight to f3 to lull him into the false sense of security, then whatever he played, i came out with b4. WING GAMBIT! freaked him out, he was confused, didnt’ know what to do. i end up with a strong french-like center, i am looking good, kid is freaking out. about 25 moves later, i lose. kid still doesnt seem happy, even though he won. i want to cheer the kid up, tell him “hey, kid, at least your not me” but i dont’ think he would get it. i thank him and go back to my room, dejected and wondering why i am torturing myself, why don’t i just go home now.

what the fuck?!?!? my friend is a uscf rated 1710. i have beaten him three times and come really close twice. if i can play that good, why am i losing to kids rated under 1400?

i make my way to the skittles room and get my game analyzed by FM danny Rensch, who is there to analyze games for anyone who wants. he shows me how i fucked up, and now i know. it was pretty cool. next time, i will know what to do. i think i learned something. awesome. i ask him for an interview, he agrees. he is a super freindly guy, patient, humble, smart. you see how much he loves chess in the way he explains things to and teaches the younger kids. the guy is awesome. *

day 3

tucson. shit. still only in tucson. (apocolypse now fans are with me on this one) . last day of the loserpalooza i am forced to endure. i just want to end this hapless charade and go home and drink about it on the couch. over breakfast at the bagle shop, i am talking with my wife and it hits me. ok, if you watch the tv show “heros” there is the chick, jessica, and her inner bad ass nikki. well, i have an inner bad ass tal, and i can feel it when he “comes out.” say what you want, think i’m nuts, i feel it sure as i feel it when i hit my toe in the dark. it’s when i’m “on” anyway, it hits me, and i manage to turn it on. i am ready to destroy whoever i play this morning. bring on the victim.

round 5

i learn that there is a rule that says black gets to choose what side the clock goes on. YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME! you mean that there has to be a rule for that?!?!?! are chess players that socially retarded that two adults can’t come to an agreement on what side a clock is on without it being in the rules? wow.

my opponent is another 10 year old asian kid. rated 1204. i’m black and i’m aggressive, he is up on material shortly, and he is mated shortly. my nickname for this tournament should be SARS, as i am deadly against the asian kids. i have won 2 games. if i can win my next game, i will have won 50% of my first ever tournament. i am ready.

while everyone else is fritzing and analyzing and preparing, i go out shopping and eating. this may be one reason i lose a lot, but there it is. i am still ready for my last game, but i feel my “on” dimming.

round 6

i am ready, i am white, i am finally playing an older guy. i feel it. he will lose. i open aggressivley, i get him sweating. i missed a tactic that i see as soon as i remove my fingers from the piece i just moved, but i have him on the ropes. i let him trade my rook for his queen stupidly, as again after i removed my fingers from the piece i see the correct move. i needed that rook. no worries, i have a queen and a knight, he has two rooks and a knight, i am in his back yard, i miss a mate, but that’s ok, he is cowering in the corner. he threatens my queen, i move her to the exact wrong square. i saw the square i wanted to move her to, my eye-hand coordination seemed to take a bye on that move, cause i moved the queen onto the sqaure so his horse could take her. i put my queen on the wrong square. i wrote my move down and tipped my king. i lost. i should have won, but i lost. my first tournament is over.

overall i had a great time. the tds, Karen Pennock, Enrique Huerta (hope i spelled that right) and Jon Shacter were each super freindly, helpful, patient, and did an outstanding job putting the whole thing together, managing the rooms, being flexible, everything. there may have been some grumbling with the room moving, but they handled it smoothly. it was like herding cats for them, and they did it with smiles and sincere love of chess. they rock.

i met some great guys, jeff the coach, rich, troy, and others whose names i cause i am stoooopid. i hope to see them at the next tournament. i played much crappier than i expected, i hate myself for that, but now that i know what to expet and what it’s like, i think i may do a bit better. i should have won 4 games, but at least i won 2 games. i won’t know my provisional rating until later this week.

in closing, i’d like to leave with an open letter to chess parents.

dear chess parents,

LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP. let your kids be kids some of the time. if they naturally want to play chess 13 hours a day, great, but cut them some freaking slack. forcing them into a such a rigourous program and making them play may make them grand masters by age 19, but you are seriously risking having a socially retarded kid who turns out the be the next bobby fischer, in both chess skills and craziness.

*i will post the interview with FM Rensch tomorrow.

*note: i was just going through my blog dashboard and stuff, and i apparently have an automatic spam filter, and i’ve found a comment or two from you that wasn’t spam. so, if you comment, and it doesn’t show up, that’s not me doing it. i will check closer to make sure whatever comments you leave are up. i don’t believe in any kind of censorship, if you want to tell me how dumb i am and how much i suck, that’s cool with me.*

i find that, for me anyway, chess is a perishable skill, like a language. if i don’t play it or study or practice every day, my mad chess skillz atrophy. i forget stuff, i don’t see obvious moves. i also find that after i study and practice, when i play a game, i “see” better.
that said, i didn’t go to chess club last night. just didn’t feel like it. i should have, i need to play as much as i can, but i didn’t. perhaps i will call up my friend later and see if he can play tomorrow night. one last over the board game before the tournament.

i think i’m as ready as i’m gonna be for it. maybe some last minute cramming, but other than that, i’m just gonna wing it.

today is a big day for me, personally. a significant emotional event shall occur today, and i begin a fresh new life, i’m pretty excited. it’s cool that today that happens, and saturday is my first tournament, my true entrance into the wacky madcap topsy turvy world of chess. kick ass.

i won’t write here until tuesday, after the tournament. then i shall write a whole tournament report, as seen from my skewed eyes. my question to anyone reading this or anyone who cares:

do you want to read about the tournament in one long post, or do you want two smaller installments? either way, i’m writing about it….let me know.

see y’all on tuesday…

with the upcoming tournament, i’ve been training hot and heavy. i’ve scentifically developed a training program using a combination of russian SPETZNAZ training, (as everyone knows, russians are better at chess, so we should use thier best methods), the training methods of lance armstrong (he beat cancer, i’m sure he could beat someone rated in the 1400’s), and shaolin monk techniques .

most people would think i’m crazy, letting out my secrets like this, but i am sure that it is so strenous and requires such dedication and time and sweat and sacrifice, most people wouldn’t or couldn’t follow it. and for those that could, they deserve the benefits my awesome program will reward them with.

first off, one month before a tournament, i change my diet to totally vegetarian. this cleanses my body of any impurities that may obstruct my logical thinking. you’ll notice the foods i eat are meant to maximize performance during an actual tournament.

my day starts with a 5 mile run before breakfast, to clear my mind and condition my body, followed by 45 minutes of meditation. this helps build both the endurance and focus needed to sit for 3 hours in a chair staring at a chess board.

then, breakfast. i eat one bowl of cocoa puffs, cause i am koo koo for them. i wash this down with a few cups of coffee to stimulate the braincells and get my body ready for the long day. the week before the tournament, to this breakfast i add: monday, wednesday, and friday a donut; tues, thurs and sat, piece of pie. sunday, both a donut and a piece of pie. you gotta want it.
after breakfast, i shower and then back to bed for a quick nap.

next i do drills for 30 minutes with a special chess set. each piece weighs 6 lbs, and i just practice moving pieces and hitting a clock, fast as i can. the weight builds up arm and hand strength, and then, when i use regular pieces, i am much quicker to move and hit my clock. each second i shave off is that much more time i have to sit and stare at a chessboard.

then lunch. usually a cheese pizza with pinapples and onions. no meat! wanna stay healthy.

after lunch i do clock drills. using a blindfold, i sit and hit my clock which i’ve mounted on a lazy susan to keep it moving (you could also use a record player. for anyone not as old as i am, a long time ago, there used to be things we called “records”….) . this drill heightens my already junglecat-like senses, helping my clock awareness, (think of luke training with light sabre and his blaster shield down) so i can maintain my focus on the board and don’t have to look away to hit the clock, giving me more time to just sit and stare at that board.

i also add notation drills. i have flashcards that show a piece’s movement on the board, and i quickly write down the notation of that movement. i will do this in timed sets, starting with 30 seconds, then 60 seconds, then 90, then 120, and back down to 30 seconds, with one minute between sets. i do this 5 times, also blindfolded.

then dinner. i usually eat pasta with vegetables, and ice cream for dessert, to carb up for the next day. with dinner, i also drink wine, no more than 15 glasses, or one and a half bottles, depending on the size of the glass. this gets me ready for my last bit of training for the day.

after dinner i get online and look at chess blogs to stay abreast of current chess trends and such. i also look at breast blogs, to see if they mention chess. gotta stay on top of things like this, intelligence gathering is a big part of my training. i will also play a few rounds of drunken blitz chess, which is a vital part of my regime. it really helps me hone my “lose graciously” skills.

and that’s it. some say it’s a bit unorthodox, some think it’s a bit extreme, but to reach the lofty goals i set for myself, i have to think outside the box and push the envelope.

it’s what makes me the true chessloser i am.

been playing on the chess tactics server and i’ve hit a rating of 1450 for the eleventeenth time or so. as soon as i hit 1450, as sure as the line you’re in at the supermarket will slow as soon as you get into it and the other line will move, i start to err my way back down to 1423 or so. i swear there is some time lag or something, because even though i know i got the answer right, i somehow lose points. how can i lose points if i am correct? does that make sense? no, no it does not. it says i took 15 seconds, when i know it took me less than 7 seconds, like time has started way before i did. damn thing cheats i tell ya.

i know it’s about me learning tactics and recognizing patterns, and the ratings don’t mean anything, but it’s one of those goal things. it would be nice to see progress, it would be nice to have some arbitrary number tell me i am doing well and i am better than others.

anyway, even though the CTS cheats, i can’t quit it. i’m pathetically addicted. but some day, when they have to make a new rating of 8400 just for me because i am solving the tactics problems before they come on the screen, THEN i will move on to better things and leave the site for good.really. i’ll do it.

why can’t all games be as easy as the one i will post today?

the guy was rated 1802 (internet rating), and i don’t see anything he did wrong.  i didn’t play with any brilliancy or cunning, i didn’t have any great moves.  i developed in a usual boring and regular way, and at move 6, after he castled, i just walked my pawn up the h file, opened him up, and finished him.   simple.  direct.   move 9 he tried to threaten my bishop, but it wasn’t important, he wasn’t a factor in my plan, so i ignored it.  he took the bishop, i didn’t much care.  the only thing i kind of did right was when he tried to exchange rooks or whatever on move 11.  i blocked with my horse knowing the horse would then check and usher in the end.

why?  why did that work, and other times it doesn’t?  was timing part of it?  had i pushed the pawn later or earlier, would it not have worked out?   i won a game, and i don’t know why.  if i can figure out why, i would know what to do in the future and perhaps win with some regularity.   the one thing i can see he did wrong was take the horse with the pawn.  had he taken with the bishop, perhaps it wouldn’t have worked out so nicely.

either way, here is the game, all 16 moves of it, played on saturday.  i’m white.

1. e4 d6 2. Nf3 Nf6 3. Nc3 g6 4. d4 Bg7 5. Bc4 O-O
6. h4 c6 7. h5 Bg4 8. hxg6 hxg6 9. Bh6 b5 10. Bxg7 Kxg7
11. Qd2 Rh8 12. Nh4 bxc4 13. Nf5+ gxf5 14. Qg5+ Kf8 15. Rxh8+ Ng8
16. Qxg8#
1-0

*apologies to richard feynman and his 6 easy pieces, of which i mocked with the title of this post

i think “zugzwang” would be a cool name for a punk rock band. or a chess bar. or a chess zine. or, and i think this is the one, a CHESS SUPERHERO.

yes, there should be a chess superhero. his outfit would of course be checkerboard, so he looks like an evil bad-ass harlequin. and perhaps he can only attack on a diagonal. or, he moves like a knight through space and time, so it looks like he is appearing out of nowwhere, kinda like in the alice in wonderland stories….

i think it would be cool, when you are playing chess, perhaps in a tournament, every time you put the guy in check, you say something leading up to it. for example, you pick up your piece, and say “would you like to pay in cash, credit, or CHECK!” and slam the piece down. then, next time you could say “hey, you know franz kafka? the wake up like a bug guy?, yeah, he was a famous CZECH!” and you continue on like that. even if you lose, it would be so fun to do….

it would be kind of cool, at least for a short while, if there were “chess hooligans.” guys who show up to matches and root for thier favorite grandmaster, then go fight outside if he loses. only, instead of fighting, perhaps they would argue calmly and intelligently, maybe over coffee…

chess jerseys. they have cycling jerseys, why not chess jerseys? with your team logo on it, and pockets in the back to keep snacks, your scorepad and extra pencils….

i spent an assload of money on a playstation 3, and i’ve been spending time playing METAL GEAR, a playstation 1 game.  go figure…

it seems chess is something that can atrophy quickly.  i find if i don’t study and play every day, i forget crap i knew three days ago.  i can’t believe my mind has such a feeble and tenuous grasp on something i like so much that means so much to me and that i think about all the time.  maybe i’m just stupid.

one week until the US AMATEUR WEST CHESS TOURNAMENT OF THE ETERNAL GODS FOR SUPREMECY OF THE UNIVERSE.   i have to really study a lot.

i don’t know about other people’s chess clubs, but the one i have, while nice, is a bit lacking. it needs new, younger, more energetic blood. more loud trash talking (trash kibbitzing). at work, although it isn’t a “chess club,” it’s like how i think a chess club should be. it’s pretty cool. the guys are pretty competetive, we talk trash and kibbitz outloud ( rude, i know, but we don’t care among us). cool thing is, i’m the only guy there who actually has books and studies, but i’ve seen some amazing improvement in them, and i tell them so. two guys in particular, they have gotten amazingly good over the last few weeks, and they don’t even study, they just learned from watching and me telling them basic stuff. and thier enthusiasm is so cool. no one cares about ratings, but every day when we have a few moments, people are at the board, others watch, afterwards we analyze and see “what if.” it’s pretty cool. and we aren’t even “real” chess players. like i said, i don’t know if it’s like that in other clubs, but i hope i find a club like that some day. i would start one, but right now is not the time.

anyone reading this, i wish you a great weekend…..

that was the scene last night.  dude didn’t play the sicilian like i expected, so no wing gambit.   i didn’t write the moves down, which sucks, cause then you could watch the game, but this position was achieved after a couple of sacs.  i started with the scotch gambit, which i hosed up around move 4.  i took out the h7 pawn with a horse, then i followed that with taking out his horse on h6 with my dark squared bishop, giving away pieces like i was running for election and they were free pardons.

i was down a piece and two pawns. it wasn’t a fair fight, he should have had three more pieces….(that’s me, bragging like i know what i’m talking about).

ok, so do you see it? queen in front of the king, rook easily slideable. all i have to do is get rid of my pawn and open up that lovely h file. a few moves before, the queen was on g4, i advanced my pawn to evict her, thinking she might move back to e7 and i could check and get the bishop, all tactical and shit. but black moved her right in front of the king.

excellent! (that was said in a mr burns voice).

notice my king on g2? that is some grandmaster level shit right there. i moved him there from g1 on purpose, a few moves before, because i wanted to get him out of the way so the rooks could use the back rank like a slip n’ slide, but i also wanted to keep him from checking me with his horse.

so, my plan was to sac the horse, moving him to g6. something would have taken him, then i could take with my pawn and open the file up for my rook. but luck was with me my friends…..he moved his bishop to g4 to harras my lovely queen. no prob, i moved my pawn to f3. and i did it a bit arrogantly, i confess, with a little snigger. he takes the pawn on h5.

at this point, i had a mini orgasm. i couldn’t believe my luck. i can sac the horse AND get a piece for it too!!!! so i take with the horse, and he takes with the queen. oh YES!!!!!

it looked a little something like this:

so the rook slides on down to h1 and my opponent’s hopes fell as i kicked his dick in the dirt.

queen took, my queen took with check, all is well. his king goes back to g8, my bishop saunters on over to c2, which i knew would make him have to block with the g6 pawn, which he did. my queen heads over to the h6 square to keep the king from going anywhere, my rook slides on down to h1, and my freind resigns.

fuck yeah! i can’t believe i won.

ok, before this comes off as i know what i am doing, this was the second game we played. the first game, he beat me like emeril beats eggs for a souffle, and he controlled the game from move 2. perhaps he was tired from kicking my ass the first game, i don’t know, but i got lucky and won.

here is the wierd thing. he was REALLY upset. he never said i played well, he said he played poorly. he was incredulous that he lost. he kept saying “but i was up in material, i should have won.” losing to me really bothered him. sure he is rated in the high 1700’s and i am rated in the low 0’s, but still….

anyway, it was a great night. gave me hope that i might have a slight chance in the tournament.

big thanks to http://www.chess-videos.com/ for the diagram generator.  i gotta use that more often.

i finally broke down and bought a play station 3.  the shop had a deal, where i turn my ps2 and all the stuff in and get $100 off a ps3.  so i did it.  my ps2 no longer played a lot of new movies, and i use the play station as both a gaming console and a dvd player, i dont’ see a need for both a dvd player and something that also plays dvds, computers not counting.   so, perhaps i shall stay in tonight and watch movies on my new ps3, OR……

tonight is chess club.  i almost don’t want to go for the “free lesson” that is me getting my ass kicked and treated like the punk bitch that i truly am.  my biggest opponent/friend will, if black, play the sicilian, and even though last game we played i was up a piece, i lost, because i suck and no matter what i do against his sicilian, he manages to refute it.  but tonight i shall try something different.

the wing gambit. 

if he plays c5, i’m playing b4.  but not on the second move, as is often done from what i’ve seen, but on the third.  i will first play the knight out to f3, lulling him into a false sense of security, THEN i will hit the motherfucking offending pawn with b4.  if he takes it, with either pawn or knight, as he will most likely put his horse on c6, i will push my d pawn to control the center, and then i will hopefully eventually fuck up his kingside pawn structure, put him in disarray, demoralize him, and step on his head in victory, pushing it into the blood and mud on the ground as i raise my arms in declaring chess club supremecy….

unless he manages to win, which is more likely the case, where i will go home and sulk.  either way, tonight i attempt the wing gambit.  i hope it takes him by some kind of surprise.   details of my splendid victory, or more likely my crushing horrible defeat, right here tomorrow….

as every third grader knows, light is both a particle and a wave.  duh!   claus jonsson did the double slit experiment with electrons in 1961, and then they did it one electron at a time in milan in 1974 or so.  the double slit experiment is when they shoot light through a cardboard screen with two holes in it.  it shows interference by the light patterns on the wall, like waves breaking in an ocean, but only if you don’t try to observe it.  when you try to observe it, it forces the electron to choose a hole.   you can’t observe something without changing/altering/affecting it somehow.

this leads into schrodinger’s cat.  there is a cat in a box with a bottle of poison.  he might have tipped the poison and died, he might not have.  is the cat alive or dead?  you don’t really know until you open the box to look.  before you open the box, the cat is both alive and dead.  opening the box forces one conclusion or the other. 

this leads into the crazy ideas of different branches of reality. every choice we make leads us on a path, but somewhere, in an alternate reality, we made the other choice and went down another path. 

this leads us to openings.  do i take the horse with the bishop or not?  every opening, although somewhat set in certain moves, has a few points where you can choose between two or three options.  each opening has different branches, wich lead to different outcomes, different realities.   in some alternate universe, i have made the right moves and i am a kick ass chess player.   sadly, it’s not this universe. 

BUT!…..who is to say it isn’t?  ok, it’s not now, but if i were to somehow make the right choices, perhaps i could find myself with two bishops attacking a king in the corner with a fucked up castle, and maybe my horse putting pressure on him as well.  is it possible to make this reality that i am in right now the good one, the reality where i actually know what i’m doing?

is it possible to somehow change whatever path i’m on, possibly through study, dilligent practice,  or selling my soul to the hoary host of the netherworld, to make the right decisions, choose the correct path, and alter my future?  (according to noted professor robert plant, … there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there is still time to change the road you’re on.)  what pawn move within the first 5 moves did i make caused me to end up in this fucked up position? 

every move i make is a decision that alters the outcome of the game.  how do i learn to make the right decisions?  do i even have a choice in the overall matter?   i am currently in the running to become the king grand puba master of losing a won game.  even if i make the right moves early on, i manage to lose the game in the end.  as if i am fighting against god himself, and of course, being omnipotent, god has the edge, he aint gonna lose.   

i have to keep fighting, keep trying to control my destiny and make the right choices, be vigilant until my opponent tips his king.  what else can i do?  i have to keep playing until the day where i make the right moves, make the right decisions that put me on the path, the correct branch of all the possible realities, the branch where i actually win the damn game, which the majority of people take as a fun pastime and no more. 

until that day, i will have to live with someone repeatedly opening my box to find me losing.  damn him….

in other news…the giro d’italia has begun.  i am hoping my man cunego kicks ass this year.  perhaps hincapie might do well?  i just wish they showed it every day on tv, not just on sundays with a recap.  just cause lance armstrong isn’t riding anymore doesn’t mean there is no cycling….crazy americans…

being sick and infirmed rocks!

the puking not only helps me control my weight (a million models can’t be wrong) but all the wretching is an excellent work out for my abs, i can really feel the burn. my core is so strong right now.

the diarrhea, while also keeping my weight down, also has the added benefit of dehydrating me, thereby giving my ripped and pumped stomach some definition. some hillbilly in a jug band would be tempted to play my “washboard” abs i am so cut right now. awesome.

the nausea keeps me from eating all the junk food i would normally eat as i lay around the house, so that is also pretty good. and i get to lay about all day and no one thinks (and by “thinks” i mean, realizes) exactly how lazy i am. i’d be laying around doing nothing anyway, but since i’m lucky enough to feel like hammered dogshit, people expect me to not do a damn thing.

and, to nurture my artistic side, i am thinking of making a huge “surrealist snowman” out of used tissues.  in your face salvador dali.

other than that, i think i really like the scotch gambit.  it’s straight forward, to the point, and easy.  depending on how black plays, white can enter the middlegame with a solid attack while black seems underdeveloped and in a bit of dissarray.   i understand it, i won a game with it, i think i shall use it often.  until something better comes along, cause that’s how i roll….

happy mother’s day to anyone who cares, and now, it’s time once again to go visit the poopatorium….

i know i can’t speak for everyone, but where i live, people’s attitudes towards chess is somewhat agnostic.  they know it exists, they don’t really know what it is, and they don’t much care.   i don’t know it this is a good thing or a bad thing (or, to be buddhist about it, just a thing, niether good nor bad). 

one one hand, i wish chess were more prevalent, more mainstream.  it would be kick ass to have a “chess cafe” or “chess bar” in the area, a place where they had a bunch of tables with chess boards, maybe a barista making coffee, drinks, whatever, a kind of a bar/cafe that had a chess bent.  a place to go and gather with other chess players. 

if i could, i would make a cool chess movie, about a guy who is not the “chess norm”, buttoned down conservative serious guy, but a wild, tattooed, partying rabble rouser who happens to be a genius at chess and makes chess a bit more “rock and roll” and a bit less “symphony.” the movie would be a kind of breaking away” meets talledega nights kind of flick. 

on one hand, i wish chess were more mainstream and not seen as a dorkish endeavor, a nerdy pastime, but as a fun, exciting thing to do. 

that said, i enjoy the “underground-ness” of it all.  it helps feed my sense of ecclectic eliteism (you can’t understand “chess,” don’t talk to me).  i like that it isn’t too pretentious, not filled with a bunch of posers who aren’t interested in it, but act like they are to be trendy.  one of the problems with any interest when it gets huge and becomes mainstream, it gets watered down and overfull with people trying to make a quick buck selling the ideas and image and it gets stoooopid.  at least, as chess stays reletively under the radar, it can stay reletively true to it’s nature.  the poeple involved in it WANT to be there. 

but if chess were seen as “cooler” would more kids be interested in it?  that couldn’t be bad.  you would have more kids thinking logically and abstractly and imaginatively.  more kids involved in a useful hobby.  more kids means more adults who grow up and spread the word means chess is more common means the possiblity of ches bars or chess hangouts in every town and it not being so damn hard to find other humans to play chess with face to face..

anyone reading this, have a great weekend….

i kinda surprised myself a bit on this.  i wasn’t “into” it, the guy was rated higher than me, but i tried to play calmly and won.

i played the caro-kann, unwittingly.  i should really actually learn openings.  anyway, i started with 1. d4, but then when he played 1…d5, i figured, nah, fuck it,  and moved 2.  e4.  why the hell not?   i moved my horse twice before moving another piece, but it ended up on a nice square right in the middle, i think.   he attacked with the bishop, and he ended up on g4, which i like, it attacks f and h 6, i like that.  luckily, his pawn blocked his white bishop, so i didn’t have to worry too much.  on move 9 he moves 9…h6 to attack the bishop, and i though, i dont’ feel like trading stuff, i want to open up his protective shell, so as usual, i sacrifice my horse, who must have been tired galloping all over the damn board anyway.  its for the cause, he didn’t mind.  i take h6, he takes my horse, and i take h6 again with my bishop, making his king look like a homeless naked guy on the street (i call them “urban campers”).   sweet!  now all i have to do is get rid of his horse on f6.   he is up on material, but i think i have the upper hand.  he moves his rook, which i had no intention of taking, and gives me time to take the pawn on e4 and threaten his horse.   HAH!   he takes the bait like a college freshman takes free beer.  it’s pretty much all over now, as long as i dont’ screw up, which i do more often than not.   two checks later, and that is mate.

not the most brilliant game ever, but i am happy with it.  it’s a win.  i didn’t make any huge mistakes.   if i can play decent like this later this month, i will be quite pleased with myself.

i’m white, here is the game:

1. d4 d5 2. e4 c6 3. Nf3 dxe4 4. Ne5 Nf6 5. Bc4 e6
6. O-O Bd6 7. Ng4 O-O 8. Bg5 Nbd7 9. Nd2 h6 10. Nxh6+ gxh6
11. Bxh6 Re8 12. Nxe4 Nxe4 13. Qg4+ Ng5 14. Bxg5 f6 15. Bxf6+ Kf7
16. Qg7#
1-0

after being reminded last night of exactlyhow much i suck and to what extent i suck, i was thinking this morning what a bummer it is that i have spent hundreds of dollors on books and i have a brand new chess clock and i will never play chess again because i suck and i hate it. then, today, two more books that i ordered came in, one of them being chess strategy for the tournament player by lev alburt.

one of my weaknesses, besides being the whole damn game start to finish, is strategy. i don’t get strategy. well, now, after reading the introduction, i think i do. and i think i actually have a chance at learning and getting better and possibly winning some real games.

i’d like to share with you some parts of the introduction, so you can see what i like about the book so far…

here is the one part that kind of openend my eyes a bit. i kind of knew it, but to read it and see it drove it home, made it more real for me. it might be old hat for most people, but for me, i like hearing (reading) it again. it clarified a bit for me.

” A plan is a visualized series of steps that make it possible to achieve a goal. Learning to plan is absolutely essential for every player who wishes to improve. Indeed, one of the attractions of chess is the way in which it teaches forsight and planning.

Strategy is the art of forming an overall plan. Frequently the fact that correct strategic planning dictates the choice of objectives is understated. Strategy is the “grand scheme” for a game. In a sense, strategy is the opposite of tactics, whish are the application of a short series of forced moves to achieve an immediate improvement. The words positional and strategic are frequently used interchangably.

The very first step in composing an appropriate strategy is to evaluate the position correctly…..”

oh, so that’s what strategy is. ok. i know i am weak and ignorant in the mystical ways of evaulating a position, much less doing it correctly. the introduction has read my mind and continues….

“Based on the accomplishments of his predecessors and contemporaries, as well as his own experience, Steinitz formulated the following positional elements:

1. Development

2. Mobility

3. Control of the center

4. The positions of the kings

5. Weak and strong squares in both camps

6. Pawn structure

7. Queenside pawn majority

8. Open files

9. Two bishops against the bishop and knight or against two knights.”

ok, cool, so that is what i need to know to evaluate correctly. sweet. then, the last page of the introduction has Steinitz’s Four Rules of Strategy, which, for those who may not know, are the following:

1. The right to attack belongs to the side that has the positional advantage, and that side not only has the right to attack, but also the obligation to do so, or else his advantage may evaporate.  The attack should be concentrated on the weakest square in the opponents position.   (so, if i have a positional advantage, i am OBLIGED to attack.  awesome.  i also like to attack when i am at a disadvantage, when i am losing, after i lost, pretty much that is all i do.  perhaps i need to calm down a bit).

2.  If in an inferior position, the defender should be ready to defend and make compromises, or take other measures, such as a desperate counterattack.  (i am damn good at the desperate counterattack.  i think another measure i could take is to kick the guy under the table, perhaps threaten his family or something?)

3.  In an equal position, the opponents should maneuver, trying to acheive a position in which they have an advantage.  If both sides play correctly, an equal position will remain equal.  (with me playing, both sides will NOT play correctly, and i will have to resort to rule 2 above)

4.  The advantage may be a big, indivisible one (for example, a rook on the seventh rank), or it may be a whole series of small advantages.  The goal of the stronger side is to store up the advantages, and to convert temporary advantages into permanent ones.

so, that is the introduction (the main good parts, to me, anyway).  the book covers good and bad bishops (are bad bishops the same as naughty bishops?), bishops of opposite color (obvious racial joke here), cutting off a piece from the main action, when the bishop is stronger than the knight, when the knight is stronger than the bishop, bishop pair, the long diagonals, open files and diagonals, weak and strong squares, weak and strong pawns, significance of the center, opening the center.

it seems pretty bishop-centric, perhaps i dont’ pay enough attention to the power of the bishops?  maybe i am overlooking a significant part of my army?

either way, the book has already brought my attention to things i didn’t even think about, and i’ve only given it a cursory glance.

i’m glad i have book.  i like the font, it has plenty of diagrams and examples, clear, easily readable, examples from actual games to illustrate a point.  i hope i learn from it, and i hope i can apply what i read and learn to actual play, because i can know every word of every book, but if i can’t use it on the board, then i really don’t know crap.

deeds, not words….