what’s it all about?
tour de france - stage 8 - holy freaking crap! linus gerdemann, riding for t-mobile, out of nowhere, explodes up the damn mountain and wins the stage, the yellow jersey, and the white jersey in one shot. greatest day of his life, no doubt. perhaps if t-mobile treats him better and gives him the support they didn’t give ulrich he could replace ulrich as the team’s man. kick ass gerdemann, i hope this is the start of a great carreer. amazing stage today.
ok, so lately i’ve been a bit down and frustrated and honestly, last night i didn’t want to go to this upcoming tournament. last night i just wanted to delete this blog, throw out the books, and never play chess again. i went to tucson and played at the coffeeshop, won 1, draw 1, lost 1. i had a great time, i was happy, but i came home, got online, and lost, and it put me back in funk. i couldn’t sleep, my mind was taunting me and telling me how much i suck, how i should just give up, etc etc. my mind is a real dick. since i wasn’t sleeping, i decided to read to perhaps get me to sleep, and i started reading “the art of learning” by josh bobby ficher whatever-his-last-name-is. good book, i’ll talk about it in another post when i’m done with it.
it got me thinking. what the hell am i doing? why am i frustrated? why am i letting a fucking game, a GAME, something that is not important in the least and means nothing, ruin my life? why am i blogging about it? stupid blog is just a spotlight on what a failure i am. what the fuck was i thinking? fuck the tournament, i’ll go, i’ll lose all my games, and no one will hear from me again. everyone can say “i knew he wouldn’t last.” screw it all.
i started playing chess a few months ago, i decided i would set a goal and try to become a rated master. it’s been less than a year, i’ve been in one tournament, and i guess, since i haven’t reached a rating of 1700 yet, with one tournament down and a few months of chess under my belt, i feel like a failure. how fucked up am i?
i started the blog to hold my hand to the fire. i knew if i set a goal, and no one knew about it, then i could easily just say “fuck it” and move on. but if i made it public, then i would force myself to finish my goal. also, this blog is a record for me, it’s so i can chart my progress and go back to it. why online, why not in a notebook? i also keep a notebook, but i did it online because i guess there is that bit of exhibitionist in me, and i wanted feedback from other chessplayers, and, well, i like being part of something big. chess is big.
but then part of me thinks, if i don’t attain the level of master RIGHT NOW, the crap i spew on my blog isn’t worth anything. if i had a decent rating, then i would be taken somewhat seriously (not that i am really serious about anything, but, um….yeah….).
so the book. it pointed out what one of my problems is. i am a bad learner. things in life generally came easy to me, so i didn’t have to work at most stuff. so now, as an adult, if i come across some difficulty, i immediately think “well, i am just not cut out for this, its not meant for me, fuck it i should quit.” and this is exactly how i think. and that is wrong. other people who realise succsess in things comes from work, when faced with failure or difficulty, see it as “ok, i can’t do this, so now i must figure it out, work, study, and then i will be able to.” they realize success comes from expended energy.
it’s been written that anyone can attain a rating of master in about 5 years, with concentrated and focused study and hard work and possibly going to the crossroads in the south and selling your soul. it’s a matter of time and effort. i have to constantly remember that. i have to see my failures as indicators of what i need to work on to improve, arrows pointing me where i need to put forth some effort.
this blog right here, this is a place where i can write not just my numerous and unending series of failures and my occasional and rarer than an accordian playing unicorn successes, but a log of training, a record of milestones, and the random chess crap i think about. this blog, while on the internet and for public consumption, is ultimately for me. again, i also keep a notebook, but i write publically not just for others, but for me. making it public forces me to get better. that means that, while i usually write knowing others are reading, i will also write stuff just for me, that might not be relevant or interesting to anyone. for example…
got back from the gym yesterday, took a nap, and had a pretty fucked up dream. i think it was me in the dream, but i was watching a movie or something. and morgan freeman, who plays god in evan almighty and bruce almighty, was also god in my dream. and god said to the main character/me - “dude, you are playing too much chess and ignoring the rest of life. it’s an unhealthy obsession” and charles nelson riley was also in the dream, playing chess against me/main character. and the character/me was in an airport or something and ignored the flight to play chess with some guy. fucked up dream, yeah, but i am now dreaming of chess, and my dreams are telling me i am overdoing it. at least charles nelson riley understands….
but back to whatever the fuck i’m talking about now, cause really, i don’t even know anymore.
i want HARDCORE PAWNOGRAPHY to be an attitude, a mindset. i want it to be a funny blog, an interesting blog, a useful to others blog, a not so serious blog. and the same for the mindset. i’d like it to entertain others, but others must realize the blog here is for me to orgainze thoughts, get shit out of my head, keep track of my progress. i want it to be a record of my (cue john tesh music) “spiritual journey of self discovery and chess mastery.” ok, no, i don’t think that is exactly it.
i give myself one year. one year to be rated 1600 or better. there better be some damn improvement. if, in one year, i am still sucking at the level of suck i am at now, then i will say, with all my heart, “fuck it, i quit.”
i know what i need to do to improve. i know *what* i need to learn, what i don’t know how to do *is* learn. i need to learn how to learn. and i also need to learn how to play queen’s pawn openings. cause i like them.
i apologize for this post. if, for some strange reason, perhaps out of morbid curiosity, you are still reading, i’m sorry you had to read this. but get used to it, it might be like this for a while….
Anonymous said,
July 14, 2007 at 4:42 pm
“Chess is an ocean in which a gnat may drink or an elephant bathe”
Blunderprone said,
July 14, 2007 at 7:57 pm
You capture the essence of what most of us are going through. You put in words the inner struggle we all go through and few dare to mention. The goal, the dream, the obsession called chess improvement. Why is it so luring? why is it our sirene song? Why do we obey Caissa so recklessly?
It teaches us about life. It teaches us with every beginning there is an end. It lets us know that in life there is struggle and there is always a new beginning even if we get defeated. With every new venture or risk we take, there is an uncertainty that may or may not be considered. At times, the reward is great as discovery is the triumph. Other times this same discovery is a loss and with heads hung low we vow never to try that again… but at times we do. Because this is what life is… the struggle. It is only through this struggle that we gain a greater insight on ourselves and our place in this universe.
Silly labels like “Master” or “Patzer” are mere labels that we put on oursleves in order to gage or justify our investment of time. Its a mere metric. We are measured everywhere in life… our jobs, the IRS, even the secret store camera measuers us to see if we are a risk for shop lifting. Its natural to want to but a metric on ourselves… but isn’t it better to just be? Isn’t it better to simply improve our aim rather than the “must hit the target or else” One is more definitive. the other is more a philosphy… a path to reach….open for experimentation.
Profound? No… I don’t think so… Preachy? welll sorry if it seems that way… not intended. CL, You have a pulse on the heartbeat of this game. You have the same fire that burns in my soul. You have the same desires as most of us do in not only wanting to improve, but to bring this game reachable to the mainstream instead of the “nerdy pastime” image it has.
Balance is the last thing I will touch on because in your dreams it was screaming at you. Its only a game. I have a hard time with this myself as I put an inordinate amount of time at answering toCaissa’s call. More so than I I should … I have my wife, kids, job … and even my guitar and a banc I try to play in on a regular basis. At the World OPen when I finally got it out of my system about my poor performance after day 3… I was able to enjoy myslef. I was a fool thinking I would win money being at the bottom of my section. I was a fool to think I was ready to out perform others who may have trained “smarter” or were better prepared…or simply were “on” . I was “off” ( having my chess period at the worst time ) But I realized why I was there… it was to be there with the “big boys” it was to be there meeting Atomic Patzer… when he said ” I think I knwo you… do you have a Blog?” …
Hang in there bother.
-BP
Troy Oberg said,
July 15, 2007 at 6:37 am
I recommend not focusing on the rating. You will be hard pressed to jump to 1600 in a year unless you do almost nothing else but focus on chess. Unless you are wealth, weird, and one dimensional, you might struggle to get there. I started playing tournaments in 2005 after a 25 year break. Got blanked in the first dozen games before even getting a single win. Tournament chess and coffeehouse chess are different in many ways. I just achieved 1348 over Memorial Day but I expect that will go back down at some point. I want to get to 2000 but only as an indicator that I truly understand the game. That is what is important.
You might consider a coach. I have been coached by an IM for the last two years. It is very helpful.
Was somewhat underwhelmed by Waitzkin’s book. Interesting but few nuggets for me.
wang said,
July 15, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Ok dude you need to snap out of it. First you upset me that you are moving to Denver in a few months now you want to quit?
Sorry if that sounds a little selfish but what the hell. What can I say? What I can tell you is that all of the bloggers on your blogroll have felt this way frequently. I was going to say at one time or another but that wouldn’t be accurate. We all feel this way probably more than we would like to admit. But this in itself is part of the beauty of chess.
I can teach someone the rules of chess in about a half hour. Not a particularly steep learning curve, it could take that same person a llifetime and they would never get above 1400. This is the great mystery of chess, 64 squares, 16 identical pieces per side, rules which are set in stone yet there are almost endless posibilities. There is no one answer, no quick fix, no easy path.
I too have a goal to reach 1600 by the end of the year. Right now I’m rated 1353 (after this last weekend) and I don’t think I’ll make it. But you know what? Fuck it! Chess has brought a lot of joy into my life. I like doing tactical puzzles, and looking through my opening books WAAAAYYY more than I should. I enjoy blitzing an afternoon away knowing that I should be doing some serious studying, and I really enjoy playing a good serious game, with long time controls. So what the the geeks and nerds association of America (GNA) has cancelled my membership for being uncool. I really enjoy chess!
I think its good that you aren’t satisfied with your results so far, that means you’re competitive, if you weren’t you be playing solitaire or something. But to get so hung up on your rating, I mean you’ve been to one tournament. By the way you performed a lot better on your first tournament than I did. I had a 889 rating after my first two tourneys! That’s nine games of a whole hearted commitment to patzer chess, now that’s something! And what do you mean you suck? By my reckoning you have exactly 5 tourney games under your belt.
What’s more important is look to the positive. If you hadn’t gotten involved with chess you wouldn’t have started this blog and reached so many people. I think I speak for many when I say that I look forward to reading your blog all the time. It is really entertaining and funny and you make observations that I think we all have, just with a lot more humor.
You encouraged me to start blogging, I think you may be the only other person reading it, but so what? We’ve had some good back and forth dialog and we haven’t met yet! Think of how much richer your life will be when that happens!
I have a coworker who is thinking about playing again because of your blog. I’m telling you, you’ve just scratched the surface. I think you need to focus on the whole experience.
Bottom line is, I look at my relationship with chess as any relationship in my life. If the only reason for your involvement in chess is ratings I think you will always be a little disapointed. When will you have a high enough rating? 2000? Will you be truly happy to be rated at just 2200?
Let me ask you this, how would you rate your overall chess experience so far? 1200? 1600? 2390? I think that is as silly as tying your happiness to a rating. If you are truly unhappy with CHESS then maybe you should find something else. If you are unhappy with your RATING then you need to try and bring it up, but don’t get freaky about it.
I mean there’s a lot more I can say and I’ve probably been a big enough dick about it already, all I’m saying is I think your progress so far has been pretty outstanding. You play at ~1150 OTB after one tourney, you have a kick ass blog and have made many blogosphere buddies, interviewed a real life IM and more….how much better of a begining did you want.
And in case it’s not obvious I definitely would be very sad to see you quit. Besides you still owe me a beer at the Surly Wench!
chessloser said,
July 16, 2007 at 7:36 am
anonymous - nice quote, that is the first time i’ve seen it…
blunderprone - not preachy at all, not that i’d mind if it were. and it wa profound enough for me. some day, i’ll walk up to you and say “hey, do you have a blog?”
troy - yeah, i need to just enjoy and learn and the rating will come, i know i know…(not blowing you off, i’m agreeing wholeheartedly)..as for the book, i’ve finished it and, yeah, a bit underwhelming…
wang - wow dude. now THAT is a comment. i’m not gonna quit. and you have not been a dick at all. thanks for the encouragement. beer at the surly wench!
wang said,
July 16, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Wow, must have been you used CAPS!