why do old people smell funny?
thanks to advances in science and medicine, people are living longer. now we are plagued with an overabundance of old people, they are everywhere. they are in front of you in their big cars driving 40 mph when the speed limit is 65, they are moving at glacier speed, blocking you as you walk down the narrow aisles of various stores, and they are sitting across from you at the chessboard.
when i decided i wanted to work my way up to chess master, everyone (by which i mean, no actual person ever) told me i was too old. i didn’t understand how age would make a difference in something where you are sitting down. its not like i wanted to win the ironman or a marathon, where youth and a young body is a key factor. in fact, age should be helpful to me, my brain should be able to grasp new concepts quickly, i have more experience, so i should relate to new ideas quicker as i have more chance to find a similarity in a new idea with something i already know.
but, i’ve found out, old people play slow boring chess.
why is this? they seem to prefer positional, build-up-your-forces, let’s take our time and bore each other to death chess than attack-attack-attack-kill chess. it is as if thier mind thinks, “i’m old, my muscles are slow, i will play chess the same way.” i don’t get it. if nothing else, i would think they would be more in a rush, as since they are old and could go at any moment, they would want to get in as many games as they could.
now, although i am almost 40, an old guy in years, i am still a young guy in chess. damn 10 year olds have been playing longer than i have. yet, i still have the young guy “attack attack attack” type mentality. of course, i also snowboard and ride a bmx bike and listen to hip-hop and punk, so maybe even though i’m not young, i am still immature.
but i don’t’ see why age has anything to do with how you play your chess. i would hope that when i am old and feeble and crapping my pants and eating my steak through a straw, i will still sac pieces and attack the shit out of whoever i am playing, no matter how long it takes me to actually lift up the piece and move it. especially if my body can’t do it, i can at least live vicariously through my chess pieces and fight gloriously bloody and violent battles.
maybe the old people have learned that wild attacks are foolish and subtle maneuvering, guile and trickery beat youth and exuberance most of the time, but it comes across to me as fear, as if they embody their chess pieces with similar attributes they have. (”i can’t move my bishop too far from home, he might have to pee, and i will keep my knight here cause it’s almost time for a nap”).
i’m sure there are old chess players who play quick, violent, bloody chess, just as there are kids who play tentative, scared, timid chess. Polly who is not old, but older than i, is taking tae kwon do, so i doubt her chess is boring. she and many old people would kick my ass at the chessboard, no doubt.
but in general, it seems old people play chess like they drive a car: slow and lumbering, and i just don’t’ understand why that is.
gorckat said,
November 29, 2007 at 11:50 am
…so maybe even though i’m not young, i am still immature.
Oh, yeah. My daughter and I made fart noises on the way home from school until we lost feeling in our lips. That, poop jokes and funny voices making the poop jokes never gets old.
i would hope that when i am old and feeble and crapping my pants and eating my steak through a straw, i will still sac pieces and attack the shit out of whoever i am playing…
Sounds like a toast! Cheers!
Kevin said,
November 29, 2007 at 12:50 pm
“Maybe the old people have learned that wild attacks are foolish”
Silly Old People, Tricks are for Kids.
It is worse than just the slow, cautious method of play (funny I didn’t know you had to be afraid of breaking a hip when playing chess), it’s the little emphasis they put on their moves and the looks they give. They always think they can stare me down or act like I didn’t see their idea. I just want to be like “Hey old man! Look at the fucking board! You’re still losing!!”, but usually I just stare back at them, even if it’s my move, until they get embarassed and try to play it off.
Also I have found that old people are especially susceptible to Jedi Mind Tricks (not the hip-hop group, although if you could play that during a chess game they would probably be distracted too), which is how I define chess psychology. Old people are always afraid you are trying to trick them or distract them, they equate their fate at the board with you rather than themselves.
For instance during my last round game at the WSO while I was calculating I would move my knuckle back and forth and lightly tap the table, usually during my turn. The few times it was during his turn he freaked out. Then it finally went down…
(Silence, drunknknite and old man doing battle on board two, no one playing in the boards immediately around them, a few people watching, old man to play)
drunknknite unconciously knocks lightly on the table while looking at a variation
Old man: “Please Stop”
drunknknite: “Stop what? This?” Knock
“Yes, you’re not allowed to hit the table.”
“I’m not allowed to do this?” Knock
“No.”
“Ok fine.” (nonchalant)
Old man gets very flustered and calls the tournament director, who assures him he will keep an eye on the game.
Fucking stinky old people.
Chris said,
November 29, 2007 at 1:54 pm
”i can’t move my bishop too far from home, he might have to pee, and i will keep my knight here cause it’s almost time for a nap”
LMAO that’s gold.
Back when they were kids, the game was probably still called Chaturanga and the ‘queen’ only moved one square:
“Qh5+?? In my day, the queen stayed at home and looked after the pawns. She didn’t get ideas above her station, gallivanting across the board like some brazen hussy. Oooh, I wish I could castle more than once in a game. Double pawn moves ruined chess….where’s he got to be in such a hurry?”
Gettting to 2000 said,
November 29, 2007 at 2:10 pm
I was thinking of Maintaining a page with Chess Blogger information, that way if we play on FICS etc. or visit a Blogger’s city we can meet up
]
[if we want to
The first step is to decide what to include:
Blog Name:
Real name: (optional)
Blogger Country:
Blogger City:
Handles :
FICS
ICC
CTS
what else?
Rating : (optional)
National:
FIDE:
FICS:
ICC:
Please email response to : iwijetunge[at]yahoo[dot]com
Getting to 2000
edias said,
November 29, 2007 at 2:18 pm
You sound like a couple of guys I play. Both of them attack wildly and without much thought about what the other guy is doing. I had a long discussion with the younger man, (about your age!) about why he was having difficulty beating stronger players in our club. He was blaming “old man boring chess” until we talked about pawn structure and endgames. I lent him an endgame book and his game is improving. He still plays very aggressively and that’s good, but now is starting to understand how the game is a meeting of minds.Your ideas against mine! It is also not simply memorizing opening sequences but understanding the ideas behind them. Where the pieces belong in each position and why.
If you simply threw yourself at your opponent in martial arts the result wouldn’t be too pretty when your energy is used against you. There are old and boring and overcautious players no matter their age, but there are plenty of balanced players
waiting to play you.
I still like childish fun and gross stuff and goofing on people. I also like working on my game and helping others bring their game level up. Makes for a more interesting contest! Study older master games (even if it is not “your” opening) with annotations and you will get a look at what they were thinking. Ask a stronger player to go over your games to help you.
Good luck on improving and try not to bitch too much!
edias
Wahrheit said,
November 29, 2007 at 4:02 pm
LOL post, chessloser! Give your knight a nap, indeed, preferably on h1 where it won’t be disturbed…Edias has some good points–in martial arts accepting the opponent’s energy and using it against him isn’t considered weak or boring. It seems to me what’s needed in chess is the same spirit as Jeet Kun Do, a “style of no style” that takes the best of others and does what works, what wins. Good chess is usually taking what the opponent gives and turning it against him to win. There’s nothing boring about that. As long as at least one player wants to fight for a win, anyway.
Well okay, I’m pretty old (47) and I’ve been feeling this strange compulsion to play 1. Nf3 2. g3 lately…
lousyatchess said,
November 29, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Hahaha… that was a very funny post.
Incidentally, I’ve encountered 2 different extremes of “old farts”. One of them played chess so slowly that he always ran out of time by move 20 (ouch!). I sympathise with him because it looks like he is afflicted with some form of rheumatism that makes him move slowly. I honestly didn’t feel very good after the game, beating him.
On the other hand, I played against the secretary (who was quite advanced in his years) of another chess club 2 months back who proceeded to hand my ass on the platter (”that’ll teach ya, you young whipper-shnappers!”)
I’m already past 30 and will soon join the rank and files of “old farts” who play slow, boring……..wait a minute….. I am already playing slow, boring chess. Oh dear.
najade said,
November 29, 2007 at 5:27 pm
It just takes time to learn to enjoy subtlety in stead of the crude pleasure of cheap big shots.
Temposchlucker.
peteydaddy said,
November 29, 2007 at 6:01 pm
Hilarious post, but you bring up an interesting question: How does someone’s age or personality shape their game? Are people that are aggressive by nature also aggressive on the chess board. Are timid people cautious on the board? Or is there no relation at all.
I have to imagine that there is some relation, but it would be very interesting if a psychologist or someone did a study on the subject.
Chris said,
November 29, 2007 at 7:50 pm
I’m actually a Psychology student in my last year, and chess actually comes up a fair bit in the cognitive subjects, though almost always in relation to working memory and chunking (as well as its uses in staving off dementia). It’s a popular subject, and you can probably dig up some interesting studies in the area.
chessloser said,
November 30, 2007 at 7:38 am
gorckat – poop jokes and farts are funny. always…..
kevin – that tapping thing, didn’t’ the russians do that to ruin their opponents concentration? josh waitzkin mentioned that in his book….
edias – hey, welcome to the blog, thanks for commenting! i’m not bitching, don’t ever take me seriously (unless i say “no kidding, seriously”)…
wahrheit – you aint old, i met you, you got the spring in your step. age has nothing to do with being old…
lousyatchess – it’s never too late to start attacking…..
najade – yeah, true. i want to be able to see where to build up, place my pieces, and then, win the game before my opponent realizes he has lost….
peteydaddy – that was kinda the direction i was going with this…i wonder how/why old people play like “old people”…
chris – sadly, it’s too late for me to stave off dementia, but i sure do like the game….
pollychess said,
November 30, 2007 at 9:17 pm
“i’m sure there are old chess players who play quick, violent, bloody chess, just as there are kids who play tentative, scared, timid chess. Polly who is not old, but older than i, is taking tae kwon do, so i doubt her chess is boring. she and many old people would kick my ass at the chessboard, no doubt.”
LMAO!!!
Did I also tell you I do triathlons, bike races and marathons? My chess can be boring at times. Sometimes I put myself to sleep, and wake up when I have no time left on my clock. Nothing like a time scramble to get the blood flowing again.
boring player said,
December 1, 2007 at 3:59 am
Have a look at this game:
http://www.chessgames.com/perl/chessgame?gid=1101326
Bernstein was 72 years old when he played it.
chessloser said,
December 1, 2007 at 7:52 am
boring player – that there was a kick ass game!
Brian H. said,
December 1, 2007 at 5:43 pm
I don’t know much about old people and chess; the only old guy I’ve played OTB was pretty average, neither hyper-aggresive nor slow and boring. But I do know about slow drivers, especially now that I’ve got a (much) longer commute to work. Although here in my neck of the woods (New Mexico) slow drivers are totally random…and ubiquitous…serisouly every highway has someone going 10-20 miles under the speed limit.. Sometimes it is an average looking guy in a 60 year-old car, sometimes a secretary-type in a sedan, sometimes it is a 2007 Lexus. Just random slow people….sheesh!
Sorry this post has next to nothing about chess, but if you mention slow drivers my rant just goes on autopilot.
Brian H.
chessloser said,
December 1, 2007 at 9:55 pm
Brian H – dude, slow drivers make me INSANE!!!!!!!!!!! they are all over, that one car, doing 20 miles under the speed limit, in the left lane, won’t move over, won’t let you go around….
David K, Seattle said,
December 11, 2007 at 1:54 pm
many nice posts here, and at a glance, read this corner. you are such a delightful soul.
question, and i am being 100% sincere: assuming it is really true and not just saying ‘i want to become a chess master’, then have you spent much time with that GM database that i sent you?
if i were you, id be pretty systematic about it, given above statement.
for example, in the photo, you have the Nunn book and the Burgess book Worlds Greatest Games: my game collection has both of those inside it* [=Grandmaster Secrets, well not quite ‘that book’ but you get the idea…).
i am busy looking for a new job. not just any job, but the real deal. true reCreation. to re-create me. this is hard work, as we all know. phone interview with executive recruiter in an hour, to ready for… construction manager, to build five resturants inside five operating Casinos. i know that i am perfect for it, but at my point as a sessioned business man is, ‘are they perfect for me?’ or do THEY meet my standards and needs?
its all upside down now.
warmest, dk