my relationship with chess
i met her when i was in the 5th grade, we played together a bit, but i was more into riding my bmx bike or playing with my legos and army men, so i generally ignored her. years went by, i had mostly forgotten about her, but she still lingered in the back of my mind, a faint shadow. random things would remind me of her, but thoughts of her went as quickly as they came. if i thought of her at all, i thought of her as a distant friend, a minor acquaintance, nothing more.
at 19, on my own, she would come in and out of my life, but only in passing. i would see her in town, smile, move on. i’d see her in a book store, spend a few moments with her, have a brief fleeting fantasy about her then i’d leave and not think of her at all for months. of course i had flights of fancy, imagining a relationship with her, but i figured she preferred more erudite men, more serious men, men who would give her their undivided attention and time. i had too many distracting hobbies, i liked having fun and raucous behavior, she seemed to demand a more mature personality. i lived by the notion of “you are only young once, but you can be immature forever.”
at 25 we had a brief fling, but i never got too serious with her, and it showed. she clearly favored other men, and how could i be jealous? we had an open relationship, more open than not. frankly, we made swingers vacationing at hedonism II (a swinger resort) look like chaste married couples. i wasn’t faithful to her at all, how and why would she be mine?
but then, one day, when i was 38, it happened. i don’t really remember when or how, but there i was, minding my own damn business, and she walked into the room. for the first time in my life, i got a look, a real, honest to god good look at her. i think i saw her for who she truly is for the first time in my whole life, and she had me, then and there. perhaps it was all those years of her briefly in my life, little by little, like some kind of poisoning, but i fell completely and i fell hard. it was love, lust, complete concupiscence, passion, whatever. she walked into the room, and i was hers.
she is getting me back for all those years i ignored her, she is making me pay for those years of neglect, those years we could have been together, but i chose other things over her. she breaks my heart from time to time, she walks out on me, she hurts me, but i will never leave her. i know that, no matter what, no matter how rocky our relationship gets, no matter how many lover’s quarrels we have, and we have our share, we will be together until i die. i am hers completely, she is on my mind and in my heart all day long.
perhaps she is some lamia, succubus, here for my soul, a siren singing me into the rocks. i’m ok with that, frankly. the intense joy she brings allows me to temporarily forget the excruciating pain she occasionally causes me. sure, we have a fucked up relationship, but really, show me a couple who doesn’t have their ups and downs. the important thing is, i love her, and she at least loves me enough to string me along. what little i get from her gives me a glimpse at the potential she has to offer, and dammit, i am in thrall of the joy she promises.
maybe someday i will learn her secrets, see her true beauty, see her for as she truly is. until then, i will keep pursuing her, a madman in love.
damn i’m pathetic.
Liquid Egg Product said,
December 28, 2007 at 9:48 am
You may be pathetic, but you’re a darn good writer.
And thanks for joining the big friggin’ gang of pathetic chess bloggers, ’cause we’re all in the same boat.
I didn’t know that chess smoked; they say secondhand smoke is bad for your health.
Soapstone said,
December 28, 2007 at 10:14 am
Very nicely written blog on love-hate with Caissa. I don’t know about the rest of the macho chess players, but you have encapsulated just how it is for me. I don’t mean to be a self-promoter, but here’s my recent pathetique.
http://soapstonesstudio.blogspot.com/2007/12/old-familiar-pain.html
Chessaholic said,
December 28, 2007 at 11:21 am
I can’t decide if chess is a lady, a bitch, a siren, a whore, or something entirely different… or all of the above?
Which reminds me of a joke I heard somewhere recently. What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? The whore sleeps with everybody at the party, the bitch sleeps with everyone but you.
(No offense to any female readers, it’s just a joke).
lousyatchess said,
December 28, 2007 at 4:17 pm
great. you’ve just made me feel like a pathetic loser (the truth always hurts). i hate you. heheh.
if you’ve ever consider a career switch as a writer, i’d think you’d do well. in fact, i think you do so well that you probably earn more $$$ from writing than many professional chess players out there…. hmmm…..
Blunderprone said,
December 28, 2007 at 6:20 pm
“… ’till I met a bartender who said he knew her name. Then he started to hum a song and all the boys, sitting at the bar, began to sing along….’If you’ll be my dixie chicken, I’ll be your tennessee lamb….”
BTW… My wife HATES her.. total jealousy thng.
Wahrheit said,
December 28, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Linked; inspiring!
Life is more than tactical problems and ratings, boys and girls.
wang said,
December 28, 2007 at 8:40 pm
Very well said my friend.
Anonymous said,
December 29, 2007 at 1:45 am
You may or may not be aware of this, but the URL in the picture links to a porn site. Just wanted to point that out before anyone gets into trouble with their significant others
(feel free to delete this comment) On second thought, this is hardcore pawnography, so I suppose that’s just as well.
peteydaddy said,
December 29, 2007 at 12:21 pm
I keep trying to win her affection by buying her lots of nice things, but I think the only way to truly win her over is to pay constant attention to her. Very high-maintenance.
BTW – pictures of hot girls with chess sets are a GOOD thing. Even better than pictures of those naughty librarians.
chessloser said,
December 29, 2007 at 9:09 pm
liquid egg product – chess smokes, and drinks, leaves long hairs in the shower, and leaves her underwear in my sink….
soapstone – dude, you can self promote all over my blog, as much as you want to…nicely written stuff there by the way…
chessaholic – ok, the rule here at my blog is this – NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO BE OFFENDED BY ANYTHING – it’s all in good nature and fun, and besides, you said it was a joke, so it’s a joke (an old joke by the way)…
lousy@chess – thanks for the compliment, but i like writing crap too much to make it a real job where i’d have to do it well all the time…
Blunderprone – my wife accepts her, reluctantly….
Wahrheit and Wang- thanks man, glad you liked it…
anonymous – i was aware of it, it didn’t’ occur to me to put a warning out, i thought everyone knew it…sorry bout that….and i NEVER delete comments, unless they are spam…
peteydaddy – glad you liked the picture, i got more pics, i’ll post them as they are needed…