hardcore pawnography

my bags are packed and i’m ready to go….

last night i was a full piece up on tom right before he whittled me down to my resignation.  i am a master at losing while up on material.   good game tom.

so today i gotta go to work, then tomorrow, i wake up, drive to the airport, and fly to sturbridge, mass for the tournament.  i’m pretty damn excited.  i have my openings pretty much ready to go, i just hope i play good solid violent decisive chess.   i  hope if i’m a piece up, i win the damn game.

i won’t have a computer with me, so there will be no online, no checking emails, none of that.  i will have to wait until i get back to write and post my tournament report.  hopefully there will be cool pictures.

so this will be the last post until next week.  i’ll be back with a tournament report.  until then,

chess it up!!!!

it’s a beautiful sunny day, it’s actually kind of warm, i should be out side riding my bicycle. in fact, after this, when i am done charging my mp3 player, i’m gonna air up the tires and go for a ride.

tonight i have the tournament of leppers game, tomorrow i have to work, and then thursday i’m flying to taxachusettes for a non-stop cavalcade of chess fun and excitement.

Howard Goldowsky left a great comment on my last post.   i need to have one mindset and know how to get into it and that is the mindset i should be in when i go to and play in tournaments.   he is right, i am building this hype up and then it bites me in the ass like an angry rottweiler and becomes this downward spiral of suck.  i need to have my “happy place” of concentration and chess zennery that i can go into when i need to, kinda like josh waitzkin said in his book about how awesome he is.

so today, as i ride my bike (road riding today, the trails are still a bit muddy) i will clear my mind and establish a mind state for chess.  i will think about these and other things.

then i will come home, cook a dinner, and get my ass kicked by tom on FICS, rather quickly most likely, as he has a basketball game to watch.

i’m excited.  i’m happy.  i’m thankful for everyone i’ve “met” in the chessworld thanks to my crappy blog.

ok, off to do stuff.

it was a monday, a day like any other day…

(that was some foreigner for you old skool rock fans)

over the weekend i took it easy, i chilled, i played a game or two on icc, i went over an alekhine game or two, i did some tactics. i fly out on thursday morning. today i will go to the gym, i will go over some games, just play through them, see how the pieces move, get a feel for the game.

mentally i don’t know if i’m in the right spot or not. i don’t want to overestimate my abilities but i do want to be confident.

yesterday i bought a lottery ticket, the local powerball is up to 133 million and the drawing is on wednesday. if i were to win, i would take the lump sum, which would come out to about 50 million. and what would i do with my windfall?

i think i would hold a tournament right here in my town. but it wouldn’t be just a tournament, it would be a chess festival. with music, food, vendors, everything.

i’d invite grandmasters to give simuls and exhibitions and a clinics. there would be a huge purse, so people would come not only to see the GMs but for the chance to win the cash. i’d have satan’s cheerleaders walking around, encouraging the players with “yeah, mate him” and “castle that rook!” and TDF! TDF!”

i’d have linkin park and gwar and maybe a ska band or two play a show, and there would be djs spinning tunes. we’d have a huge bonfire party at the closing ceremonies. it would be pretty freakin sweet. it would be a kinda chess “Warped Tour”.

but until i win the lottery, i’ll just keep getting ready for the tournament in sturbridge and tomorrow nights game against tom in the tournament of leppers.

* NOT a d&d joke

yesterday i had a good chess day. i somehow ended up stealing a win from gorckat last night in the second round of the tournament of leppers. i was so happy with my actual chess playing yesterday, i had my own little powerload.

now here is the thing. in one week i will be in sturbridge massachusetts for the eastern class championships. i can’t say i actually feel ready and all that, but i hope i can play as good as i did yesterday. on one hand i think “everyone is rated under 1200, i should kick their asses” and on the other foot i think “fucking kids are like rabid animals who will fight you with one claw until they die, leaving you in a mess, and i suck.”

i’ve never been to sturbridge, so i look at it as a chance to see another part of the states. with some chess thrown in.

i don’t know if i should be cramming or taking it easy. my buddy chessed made the comment that i should take it easy so as to prevent burnout, but i don’t want to take it so easy i forget shit.

either way, in one week i’ll be playing and having something closely resembling a good time. if anyone is gonna be there, drop me a line in the email. i won’t have a computer with me when i go, so i won’t be able to check emails or my blog.

it’s friday, i gotta go to work today and tomorrow. i will have ray cheng’s book with me all weekend to keep me on my toes.

anyone reading this, have a great weekend.

i won. i don’t know how, but i won. i lost to some 1100s, some 1200s, and then i beat a 2100. i tried to play the best chess i could. i wasn’t too eager, i wasn’t reckless.

i don’t know how i feel about this. i really don’t. maybe looking at those petrosian games really helped me? i tried to play like him. like, on move 11, when he played 11….a6, i played 12 a4 instead of just blowing that off like i usually would. and again on move 16…b5 i answered that with 17 b3 (and then i retook with the bishop instead, i don’t know why, it just felt right).  i don’t know if that was right, but again, i responded to it, i didn’t blow it off for some half assed crazy scheme like i normally do.

i’m fucking stunned.

here is the game, details and all.

[Event "ICC"]
[Site "Internet Chess Club"]
[Date "2008.02.21"]
[White "chainsmoke"]
[Black "KyrieEleison"]
[Result "1-0"]
[WhiteElo "1116"]
[BlackElo "2181"]
[TimeControl "180+3"]

1. d4 Nf6 2. c4 c5 3. d5 d6 4. Nc3 g6 5. e4 Bg7
6. f3 O-O 7. Bd3 Nbd7 8. Nge2 Re8 9. O-O Nf8 10. h4 e6
11. Bg5 a6 12. a4 Qc7 13. Qd2 Bd7 14. Bh6 Rab8 15. Bxg7 Kxg7
16. Nf4 b5 17. b3 bxc4 18. Bxc4 e5 19. Nh3 a5 20. h5 Bxh3
21. gxh3 Nxh5 22. Kh2 Qe7 23. Rg1 Qh4 24. Rg4 Qf6 25. Rag1 h6
26. Nb5 Qxf3 27. Nxd6 Red8 28. Nxf7 Qxf7 29. d6 Qf6 30. Qd5 Rd7
31. Qg8#
1-0

if anyone can tell me why i won (perhaps he was looking at porn while playing me, i seem to lose when i do that. maybe he was drunk, i’m drunk sometimes when i play.) please do so.

i play gorckat tonight in the tournament of leppers. as much as i’d like to, i seriously doubt i’ll play as good as i did just now. i think i used up all my “chess” on that game, my chess hitpoints are low, i have to spend d20 turns regenerating.

and i will leave you all with this kick ass picture that Deryke sent me about a week ago, but i only saw it last night.

hi, welcome to another installment of HARDCORE PAWNOGRAPHY.

usually, HARDCORE PAWNOGRAPHY reflects the attitude of playing chess with one hand, while drinking beer and giving the finger with the other, as a scantily clad hot chick sits on your lap nibbling your ear and writing your moves down for you, and your opponent just sits there, losing.

but today, i am going to slow it down a bit.   because i am going to take the advice i so often give others when they feel a bit overwhelmed.

sometimes, you have to take a big swim in lake you.

and today, that’s what i’m gonna do, i’m gonna explore some of my feelings.

i have a tournament coming up in 9 days.  frankly, i’m a bit nervous.  i think back to my first tournament, i was nervous, but i knew i didn’t know anything, i didn’t have too great an expectation.   and i did quite well, i think.  my second tournament i had confidence, and i did quite well, and my third i had lots of confidence, and i was chess equivalent of the exxon-valdez.   so now, although i’ve been studying really hard and supposedly learning, i almost feel like i know less.  i feel like i should play a whole lot better, and i’m worried a bit that i won’t.   i don’t now if this is normal or what, but i don’t know why i feel this way.  i guess it’s a brief lack of confidence.

then, as always, i wonder…why am i so emotionally wrapped up in this?  it’s a damn game.  last night i sat on my couch and tried to numb my brain with the televised novacaine provided 24 hours a day on 600 different channels.  but all i could think about was chess, and it wasn’t a happy, warm, “puppy-dog-licking-the-icecream-of-life” type of feeling.  it was more a “workin-on-the-chain-gang” kinda thing.   i have somehow put undue pressure on myself to do well.  and it worries me that i can’t.

then i played a few games on ICC.  i win maybe one game out of every 5.  weird thing is, i lose to a 1033 and beat a 1753.  how the fuck does that happen?   why can’t i consistently beat people rated such and such?  of course, there were games against a 1200 where i was up a full piece, i bishop or a rook, and i managed to lose.  i am quite talented at that.

it’s like, sometimes my brain just says “fuck it, move this piece” and i know its not right, but i go ahead and do it anyway.  and this bothers me.

i spend roughly 60% of my day thinking about chess.  i can’t honestly say i feel comfortable and happy all the time with it, as if my subconscious knows something and won’t tell my conscious, so i have this sense of impending doom, but i don’t know why.  my spider sense tingles, but there is no danger readily apparent.

if anyone is still reading this, i’m sorry i just wasted your time.  i can’t seem to get my thoughts in order, i was hoping typing them out would help.

ok, now back to slamming pieces down hard each move  as if every move was an exclamation point.

i was listening to the radio and heard the song “t.n.t” by ac/dc.  i ‘ve listened to the song hundreds of times, sang along with it, love that song.  but yesterday, as i was singing along, the lyrics struck me.

i’m T.N.T,  I’m dynamite
T.N.T, And I’ll win that fight
T.N.T, I’m a power load   (?!?!?!?!?!?)
T.N.T Watch me explode

just what the hell is a power load?  is that even a real word? it makes no sense, it sounds like a giant robot orgasm.    all these years i’ve been hearing that song, singing that song, and only now do i look at it and realize i have no idea what power load even means.

i wonder if my chess is like that.  i make moves, and some of them might make sense, might not, but i make them cause that’s how i’ve played, and they look good and seem to go along with the game.  perhaps (not perhaps really, i know this is true) some of the moves i habitually make don’t make sense, which is why i lose so much.  i’m sure  i think “this move looks good right here” (much like power load rhymes with explode, so lets use it) and i make it, and while it doesn’t look horrible, if you really really look at it, it makes no sense.

all that said, i realized my chess had gotten stale.  i used to attack attack attack, and i had a good time.  then lately i’ve gotten more conservative, studying the positional players and trying to emulate them, i’ve been playing a more positional game, which just isn’t me.  i have no idea what moves to make.  i was reading some dvoretsky and he said something about moves should be aggressive and attack and do something.  so i decided to go back to my old attacking ways.   i like to attack down the kingside with the eventual pawn pushes of h4 and f3, g4, h5.   just to see what would happen, i’ve been playing (as white) 1 d4, 2 h4.   if nothing else, it throws the other guy off and he thinks about the move for a while.  i then continue with c4 and other regular queen pawn moves, but i already have h4 and i don’t seem to be down a tempo.

so far, at my crappy level, it is working.  so that is my new power load move.

cause i’m TNT, watch me explode…..

wednesday night drunknknight showed me how much i suck at chess as i lost to him in the first round of the soon to be world famous tournament of leppers. it’s no surprise that i lost, i just i just think i could have given a better fight, maybe waited until move 15 to really fuck things up.

so yesterday i had off and it was gray and snowy. what do you do with a day off? well, i would like to say that i spent an hour and a half on chess tactics server, then went over about 5 master’s games, picking them apart, seeing why they made the moves they made, and then played a slow game on ICC.

i’d like to say that, but what i really did was go snowboarding. i didn’t even get online yesterday. i went snowboarding, then came home and made chocolate meringue cups to hold raspberries and chocolate zabaglione (a custard made with hooch, it’s italian) and topped with strawberries. this was for valentines day, but really i just used the day as an excuse to make a decadent chocolate dessert.

last night i did go over some petrosian games. i like petrosian, you don’t hear too much about him (at least, i don’t). people never mention him as a great chess player but he had an interesting style. he just seemed to make simple direct basic moves, and then win.

today i have to work, then i don’t know what. i went over a petrosian game or two this morning, this evening i will study some more.

on an up note, i finally managed to hit 73% correct on CTS, so i got that.  yippee.

it’s gray and shitty outside now. i think if i didn’t have to go to work, i’d stay home and study all day. that’s what i really want to do.

i don’t want to just learn where to move my pieces, i want to know why i’m putting them there. i’m hoping that playing through master games and all will show me where the pieces go, and i hope i will figure out why they go there.

that said,  once i know where the pieces go, and i know why, i want to learn how.   there is this wierd intangible aspect to chess which i don’t quite have down.  i don’t know what it is, perhaps a “feel for the terrain” or “board vision” but, i don’t quite have a sense of where things belong, why, and how to get them there.  and i don’t know how to learn that, other than years of trial and error, which can’t be totally correct.

i have  the book imagination in chess by Paata Gaprindashvili, it’s a kick ass book.  it’s all just positions taken from games.  it’s not a tactics book, there might be some tactic stuff here and there as part of a bigger plan, but it’s a book of “what move do you do next” type of problems.  here is the position, what’s the best move?

in this position, which i took from the book,

it is black to move.

ok, so you know you want to get the queen to b2, however Qe5 is kicked in the nuts by c4, you got nothing.  so what do you do?  how do you get from here to there?

the answer is 1…Qa5.  but why?  well, it attacks the rook, but more importantly, it weakens the king’s sanctuary by the forced 2. b4.  THEN he goes 2…Qe5 3. c4 Rb8 4. Qf4 Bg4 5. Qc6 Rxb4+ 6. Nb3 Rb8  7 Qa6 Ne4 8 Bxe4 Qxe4 9 Kc1  Qe1+ etc etc etc, black wins.

phew, what do i do with all that info? how do i look at that, and translate it into something i can use?  how can i apply that to my chess to make me a better chess player?  i don’t’ think i know.  but i’m hoping that learning this, thinking about it, trying to figure out what is really going on, will adjust my thinking and brain waves to chess thinking.  i want to have a chess mindset.

so i played a bunch of games yesterday, and i did better.  i don’t know why, maybe i played suckier people,  but they were all rated above me.   the last game i played, i don’t even think i was paying attention, i was on a kind of auto pilot, and i mated him, and it came as a shock to me, i didn’t know it would be mate.  i was just making moves that i wanted to make, i was a bit attacky, a general plan but no definite goals, i move where i think is best and i hear “checkmate” and that was that.  weird.

here is that game.

1. d4 d5 2. c4 e6 3. Nc3 Nf6 4. Bg5 Be7 5. e3 O-O
6. Bd3 b6 7. h4 h6 8. Bf4 dxc4 9. Bc2 Bb7 10. Nf3 Nbd7
11. g4 Nxg4 12. Rg1 Ngf6 13. Bxh6 Kh8 14. Bxg7+ Kg8 15. Bxf6#
1-0

was i “in the zone”?  did i just get lucky?  probably the latter, but for whatever reason, why can’t i play like that all the time?  sometimes i think that i think too much, and if i just played what felt “right” i might do a bit better.

but i still want to know what goes where and why.  and how.

holy crap. first Blue Devil Knight, now DG from Boylston Chess Club Blog.  DG is taking a prolonged hiatus to pursue other endeavors. he will surely be missed, and i wish him luck and good fortune on whatever he does.

i tried to rent the movie revolver and my local store didn’t have it.  makes me seriously think about netflix.  everyone i know who has netflix loves it, but i just don’t watch as many movies as i used to.  if netflix also had porn, i might seriously consider it.  i will keep looking for revolver, i’ll call around, someone has to have it.

last night i watched terminator: the sarah connor chronicles and it had a chess theme, the episode was called “queens gambit” (yay, 1d4) and was about a chess computer that might become skynet.   lots of action.  and who says chess isn’t exciting?  brings me back to my idea of a guy who has to save the universe by playing chess against the computers and all that.   also, if the movie and tv show are to be believed (and why wouldn’t you belive them?) doing pull ups is key to saving the planet.   last night, sarah connor was shown TWO TIMES doing pull ups, and of course the pull ups in the movie.  if you can’t do pull ups, there is no way in hell you are gonna save the planet.

i am going to install a pull up bar next to my chess desk, i can make a move, do some pull ups, make a move, do some pull ups.  by the end of a 30 minute game, i will be buffed and huge and hopefully better at chess as well.

i just played a bunch of games and lost every one.   blundering left and right, leaving my queen open for taking, making stupid moves, you name it, i did it.

why?

i’d like to blame it on the fact that i haven’t been playing or studying in the past two days.  i’ve been working, and yesterday, all day i cooked and prepped for a party we had last night, celebrating chinese new year, year of the rat.  (i needed a good excuse for a party, chinese new year was it).

i’d like to blame it on its the morning and i’m tired.   i’d like to blame it on i just wasn’t into it, wasn’t ready to think chess, wasn’t warmed up.   i’d like to blame it on the weather, the gray cloudy overcast cold shitty ass weather.
fact of the matter is, i suck.  flat out.  if i had a modicum of chess talent, i would have been able to play a lot better, but no, if chess talent were clothes, i’d be naked.   i can’t believe not playing or studying for two days would render me a chess invalid.  clearly i just don’t know what the fuck i’m doing.

so where has all this studying and playing got me?

eeehhh (its tough to spell out the various guttural sounds of disgust i make daily) it’s monday, i gotta go to work.  i’m tired, i didn’t go to the gym, it’s gray and overcast and i feel like i’m on ice planet hoth.  i’m looking at my cat, wondering if i should kill him and snuggle up in his fur to keep warm.  thing is, he’s not as big as a taun-taun.   but i digress….

i don’t feel like doing anything today, but i do feel like studying chess and perhaps learning something that might stick and i can use it to play better.  i’d like to win a game.

so i’ve been stressing out a bit about the upcoming tournament and all, and after reading the comments by chessed about taking a few days before off so i’m not burnt out, and by abuteague about how he changed his perspective, i got to thinking…

it’s just a damn game, and why did i get into it in the first place? i got into chess because it’s fun, it’s punk rock, i get a reason to travel to different cities, stay in a hotel, and party just to play a damn board game.

yes, i want to be rated 2000+, and perhaps someday i might. but i’m not going to be a “professional,” chess isn’t my life.  i don’t have to reach 2000.  fuck, i don’t have to reach 1300 (but i goddamn better).  everyone has said it, and i know it. relax, have fun, if you enjoy it, the improvement will come naturally.

so, i’m going to this tournament. what happens if i lose every game? other than being morally crushed and feeling like my soul has been ripped out and stepped on by rabid gorillas wearing poisoned tipped titanium crampons, huddled in my room in the fetal position crying, really, i’ll still be me and i’ll still be living my life. people who like me will still like me, and people who don’t still won’t like me.  i will have gotten to see a part of the country i’ve never seen, i will have met new folks, i will have partied like it’s 1999, and i will have gotten to play chess, which isn’t work, it’s not my job, it’s fun. it’s a game.

yes, i want to play and get great at the game, i want to destroy others and crush them with my bad ass tactical maneuvers, i want to push pawns like the guy in the 7-11 parking lot pushes drugs and mate like a pornstar. but at the end of the day, even if i never get that much better, at least i’ll be the guy at the tournaments everyone knows.  i’ll be “that guy” who loses all the time but is loud and laughs and has wild parties in his hotel room.

a master is someone who started before me. he’s got the time and experience to be a master. ultimately, ratings don’t matter. what’s a number? it’s how much fun i have, that is what really matters. so i’m gonna play chess to play chess. and that’s it.

rock on…

today is ash wednesday, for us roamin’ catholics, the first day of lent, or as i call it, christian ramadan, a time of fasting and preparation and all that to get you focused, in the right mindset, back on track.

i will also do that with chess.  sort of.   more on that later.

yesterday, after i got fed  up with chess and didn’t want to play it for a while, wanted nothing to do with it for a bit, i of course did the most logical thing: i went to chess club.  i had a great time.

i really like the chess club (i wonder if i can call it “my chess club” as i don’t’ go every week, and i feel more like a visitor then a regular) because it is exactly how i imagined a chess club.  a good mix of beginners and “old pros,” everyone is friendly and helpful,   the chess playing is serious, but the attitude is care free and jocular.  we talk as we play, about whatever, joking, kibitzing, talking about the game as we play it.  it’s like a chess party.  i played 4 games, won two, lost two, and after the games, we went over them a bit, discussed moves, etc.  really a great time.

ok, so the buddhists have  this idea of “every time is the first time/you begin anew each time” or something like that. (i apologize to any buddhists, i am a bit sketchy on it, i vaguely remember the concept from reading “dancing wu li masters” by gary zarkov). each chapter is chapter 1.  always a fresh look at something, always an untainted, unbiased approach to whatever you are engaged in.

i remember back when i started, how i knew a lot less, yet i appeared to be “better” if only because of my false sense of knowledge.  i would approach each game with “i’m gonna kick this guy’s ass” and sometimes, i did.  now that i think, i sometimes think too much, as if learning has put my mind in a structured box, and i expect to lose because the other guy “knows more” based off his rating or his years of chess.  i lose before i begin, based off preconceived notions.

and this is how i’m gonna approach the chess.  i will approach it as if it’s my first time at chess, not with the ignorance of a first timer, but the enthusiasm, the “blank slate mind” without any preconceived notions,  like a clean air filter ready to pick up each particle of dusty chess knowledge.  maybe last night re-energized me, maybe i just needed a few hours break instead of a day or a week, but i’m excited.  i have a tournament coming up end of the month, and i need to be ready for it.

most people think lent is only about giving something up.  it’s also about doing something, either praying more, donating more time, volunteering more, being more understanding of others and more forgiving, etc.  all in the effort to become a “better person.”  i shall also take this time to become a better chessplayer as well.

fuck chess.

right now i have chessbase light, the free version. it’s ok, i use it sometimes, like, about as much as people in hawaii ski.

DK wrote me a few emails, explaining why i should get chessbase. i was hesitant about dropping $175 for a chess program that i kind of already have free, but chessbase comes with a whole lot more, obviously, but dk sent me a few emails to persuade me to get the chessbase. at first i thought he gets a commission on every sale, but no, he is passionate about chess, as any serious chess player should be, and he made all totally solid points. if i am going to be serious about chess, if i really want to improve and learn the game, i need the chessbase.

i am a cyclist, i have some crazy expensive bicycles. (my 4 bicycles are worth more than my car). someone who is serious about a hobby gets the right equipment for it, and pays the money for the good stuff.

so i think, well, i don’t want to spend all that cash and then in a year say “fuck this, i’m sick of chess and sucking, i’m not playing it anymore” and be left with a huge investment. but that is probably not gonna happen. (oh, i will say “fuck this, i quit” but i’m most likely not going to quit, ever). so yeah, DK pretty much slapped me in the face with the cold hard hand of reality and common sense, if i am honest about wanting to learn chess, then i need chessbase, and over time and use, it comes down to a few cents a day. i can’t afford not to get it.

so i looked online about buying chessbase, and on the chessbase usa site, i saw this picture:

you gotta be kidding me! what the hell is that? am i supposed to believe that guy actually plays chess and uses chessbase? now, i’m no seasoned pro with years of chess under my belt, but i have been to 3 tournaments, and not one person closely resembled that guy.

his shirt casually open to show shaved, well defined pectoral muscles, perfect white teeth that sparkle in the sun, and look at that smile. what chessplayer smiles like that during a game? this isn’t some fucking fabio romance novel, this is chess for fuck’s sake.

now THIS is a chess player :

not that pretty boy chessbase usa is trying to peddle. do they think that i’m gonna see that and think “yeah, if i get chessbase, i will look like that!” is that some ploy to get women into chess? is that so when a guy says “honey, i wanna spend a few hundred bucks on yet another chess program,” and she freaks out, he says, “but look who uses this” and she says “oh, well, yeah, sure, buy it!”

i don’t’ want to see that perfect twinkie of a human, who probably doesn’t know which piece is the bishop, hasn’t spent a night awake in bed, going over and over that one move where he left his queen en pris and missed the mate in 3. that guy doesn’t know the pain and anguish, the ecstatic joy, the crazy emotional rollercoaster of chess. all that guy knows is the gym and the hair salon.

chessbase usa needs to put down the crack pipe, forgo looks for substance, and get some truth in advertising. perhaps the money i’m giving them will help them pay for a new picture of a real chessplayer. like maria fominyke, FIDE rating 2305