the last waltz: las vegas 2008
so i went to las vegas, drove through zion national park, ate at mesa grill, saw the amazing jonathan, went to a snazzy strip club, played a bunch of chess. i was gonna write this huge awesome epic tournament report with pictures, food reviews, the whole shebang, but frankly i’m tired and don’t feel like it.
here is a condensed version:
zion is preternaturally beautiful and i’m going canyoning there.
food at mesa grill is tasty, we had wild mushroom quesadilla appetizer, duck and lamb, both well executed, perfect, creme brulee. all food was spot on, visually appealing, tasty. nothing i would go back for though, no super amazing flavors. nothing to cream your jeans about.
amazing jonathan was a bit of a letdown. good show, but if you’ve seen him on tv, you’ve seen the act.
so, the chess:
i finished 3-0. but it’s not the final score, the mere three points that is the nail in my heart, it’s the details, it’s what happened and how it happened, it’s the whole picture taken together that, as a whole, crushed me, and i’m still reeling from it.
round 1 – i’m playing a 3rd grader, nice kid. rated under 1000. he chews his snack super loud, open mouth, i can only assume he is trying to distract me. we keep playing and i’m winning. his next snack is a red banana that he can’t get open, he asks me to open it for him. kid can’t open a fucking banana. i win the game. big fucking deal.
round 2 – i’m playing an old guy, rated under 1000. he is 86, an actual living WWII veteran. he tells me his wife passed away a few years ago and he is now with a younger woman, he hopes he can keep up with her. she is 70. i call him a cradle robber. he is old but sharp, that said, he still missed a blatant queen pin, loses his queen and i win. big deal.
round 3 – i’m playing a guy who looks like his name should be “mike” and he should work construction. he has big beefy meaty hands that has seen years of tough manual labor. it’s a good game actually, close, down to the wire, i get some momentum, despite the late night at the strip club and a mild hangover, i win.
ok, so far i’ve played only people rated below me, and i’ve won. i’m not proud of my victories, i don’t feel like i’ve “earned” my wins. now instead of feeling good about myself that i’ve won three in a row, i feel under pressure.
round 4 – i’m playing another guy rated below me, a chinese guy who has won all his games so far, against people rated higher than me. i don’t’ feel right. tired and stressed, i fuck up on move 4, blundering, but he doesn’t take it. it’s a slow game, about halfway through i know i’m gonna lose, i can feel it, so i get a beer and enjoy the game. this is the first beer round i’ve lost since i started drinking during a tournament game. i don’t feel bad at all though, i played like shit and deserved to lose, he clearly outplayed me, and mentally i had lost that game before it started. i’m not making excuses, i should have played better, i didn’t, that was that. i don’t feel bad about losing, and in fact, the loss actually takes the pressure off me to have a perfect tournament, i end up having the best night’s sleep for the whole tournament. ok, i’ve lost. 0.
round 5 – i feel great, i feel refreshed, i want to play some chess, i’m ready to win. i’m playing another guy rated below me, he has only one loss but he’s beaten people rated higher than me. i decide to have fun and play and enjoy myself. it’s a fun game, he is the only one with balls to play an open sicilian, and although i fucked up the opening line i had prepared, i still get a winning game. i’m up pieces, i have a winning attack, i victory is in sight. i lose the fucking game. i lose. what the fuck!!!!!
goddammit, it’s not like i was asking to beat gata kamsky or nakamura or any of the other GMs, why the fuck can’t i win against a 900 rated guy with huge caterpillars for eyebrows that i am beating?
ok, this hurts. this is a punch to the solar plexus, and physically hurts me. did i subconsciously sabotage myself? am i afraid of success? did i choke? whatever, i lost and i hate myself. so now i’ve castled. 0-0.
round 6 – last round. i usually win my last round, and if i win, i can at least walk away with a respectable 4 points. i’m against a filipina chick who is stretching and breathing like she is warming up for an MMA bout against tito ortiz. she is rated higher than me, about time i finally played someone rated above me.
we play, she gets a good solid kingside attack going, i make what i think is a brilliant knight sac, get counterplay, turn the tables. i outplay her in the end, i’m winning, and then i lose. i’ve castled long. 0-0-0.
the last day of the tournament soured the whole thing for me, muted the taste of the food at bobby flay’s restaurant, magnified the $100 i dropped at the roulette table after dinner, made wonder why i bother and made me question my whole life. do i have free will or is it all predetermined, am i going to suck at everything i do and lose no matter what i do?
i’ve lost before, but i didn’t know what i was doing, i was learning, i was playing people better than me. but now, after a year and a half of playing and studying, i still can’t get it. the last two games stripped away any protection of excuses i may have had, left me naked and exposed to the truth. i can’t win a won game. i can’t play chess. i don’t have the mind for it, i’m too stupid. if i lose against a 1700, well, he’s a 1700, of course i would lose. but when i lose to people in my category, lose a winning game, there has to be something severely wrong and i can’t ignore it.
is it fate/the gods/the universe conspiring against me? is this all predetermined, we all have a role in some huge cosmic play, and my place is the mediocre loser who, no matter what he does, no matter how close he comes, will never ever succeed, and that’s just the way it is? zeus turns to buddah and says “hey, watch this, i’m gonna make this guy lose against someone he should beat,” and jesus adds “wait, let’s make this even more hilarious. let’s let him get ahead, make him think he is going to win, then we snatch it right out from under him! build him up so he falls farther and hits harder! comedy fucking genius!”
really, that’s how it feels.
if you pursue a lover, shower attention and affection, offer your whole heart, and you are constantly rebuked and rejected, teased and taunted, you eventually get the hint and, with a broken heart and tear streaked cheeks, move on.
i didn’t expect to win the tournament. i did, however, expect to play much better than i did. i had thought, if i do well in vegas, i’ll maybe play in philly, but now, i don’t see any reason to spend the time, money, and effort to fly to philly just to be shown i clearly don’t know what the fuck i’m doing. i can sit right here at home and see that.
if there was some sign of improvement, some hope that i might actually “get” it, maybe. but now i feel like i’m just wasting my time. i’m not learning, i’m not remembering, i’m not seeing it, i’m just not fucking getting it. i’m still playing as shitty as i did a year ago, i can’t even break 1200.
normally, 3 points would be good, i’d be happy with them. but two of those points were gimmes, and one was no big deal. i then lost to 3 people rated below me, on of them was a winning game. and my final loss was a winning game. so, i can’t say overall i played that well.
right now, it’s just not fun anymore. this will be my last tournament for the year. and i think i need a break.
marshall said,
June 10, 2008 at 7:50 am
Chess is hard! But if you keep playing, you’ll improve.
visual said,
June 10, 2008 at 8:35 am
You are probably losing on tactics and not sound sacrifices.
I think, you should play a lot online, trying to get a better “vision”.
Also play not only with stronger/equal opponents, but with weaker ones too,
to get “killer instinct”, habbit to win and confidence.
I essentually raised my OTB rating by doing just that.
You should never be “not proud of my victories, i don’t feel like i’ve “earned” my wins.”
You always earn your win, your opponent played weaker, lost – too bad, that’s it.
You do not have to cherish all your victories, there will be a few good ones always.
You get a point, you move ahead, never look back.
Take a break, if you need one and think about having less emotions and more
training. 1.5 year is not that much.
Really, play more chess and study less for some time, just play until you
have a headache and want to throw up looking at the board, then we will see.
Elizabeth Vicary said,
June 10, 2008 at 9:07 am
Don’t quit!
Play in Philly!
If you want, I’ll look at some of your games there and try to help you.
Everyone feels like they suck at chess, you just have to try to ignore this feeling.
Nate said,
June 10, 2008 at 10:32 am
I too am a chess wannabe. I’m sure I play worse than you, but I’ll never know, since I lack the drive and courage to actually enter a tournament and pit my feeble wits against 3rd graders and old people. All I ever do is play cowardly correspondence chess online.
So buck the hell up Charlie Brown. Had you been playing since you couldn’t open a banana you might have some reason to expect chess greatness from yourself. But since you are still a beginner by that comparison I think you can cut yourself some slack. At least you can open a banana, and besides that, your blogging doesn’t suck, so there’s that too.
I suggest going fishing or something else completely unrelated to chess to help you get some perspective.
es_trick said,
June 10, 2008 at 10:56 am
Don’t know if this will cheer you up, but here goes . . .
I finished one of the worst tournaments of my life by losing the last four rounds in a row. It was a three day, eight round event. I didn’t help my performance by engaging in some alcohol related escapades on the second night there. The debacle was capped off by losing to a 900 in the last round, the lowest rated player I ever lost to. I was so disgusted with myself that I didn’t even look at a chess board for the next month.
But I did enter another event, and warmed up for it by playing a few skittles games on the Friday before. Then, I found my first round pairing put me up against the highest rated player. He was rated 700 points higher. He evidently thought he could sleep through the round (figuratively speaking) and failed to wipe me off the board, as he should have. Much to my surprise, I kept hanging on and hanging on, and ended up scoring the biggest upset ever.
So, in consecutive tournament games I suffered my most ignominous defeat and gained my most amazing victory. Go figure.
Chris Harrington said,
June 10, 2008 at 11:11 am
Chessloser…you need to work the endings better. I know openings are more fun but tactics and endings count for alot at our levels.
Blunderprone said,
June 10, 2008 at 11:21 am
Dude,
I’ve been attempting to improve my chess since I was 6 years old. I had moments where my improvement shot up like a hockey stick and LONG periods where my play was so stagnant that mosquitoes were hatching.
I’ve learned a few things along the way:
1) Any under1200 section is Like the WILD WILD WEST( Classic TV show) . No matter how many tricks the gunslinger James T West had in his belt, Artimus Gordon was always ” I told you so.” Those under-sections are mainly transitional sections where a LOT of folks young and old are growing the ratings. You and 50% of teh top field went in thinking they SHOULD win that section.
2) Artimus Gordon was also good for giving Mr. West new advice or a tool to use to get the bad guys. He’d suggest playing up one section. Never mind trying to go for teh gold. I can’t remember which tournament it was but you actually played better when you did that and got rating points. Right now, it hurts too much when you lose to a hockey stick. I used to fear 1300’s like it was an unlucky number because everytime I played in my section I would lose to a 1300 and be devestated. So I play up ( except for Philly).
3) It’s not a matter of being dumb or constitutionaly incapable of improving. Its a matter pride tide to self worth. When you go into a round all EMO, the fear will come through in radical acts of desparation as you try to force a win.
4) You’re the coolest chess player out there. You have a kickin’ blog, hand out stickers, interview GMs and put the Rock and Roll back into the game. It’s just a matter fo time before Howard Stern discovers you.
I’d love to see you in Philly, and you can’t pass up Elizabeth’s offer. But I’d understand the down time.
Frank N Stein said,
June 10, 2008 at 2:04 pm
It always sucks to lose to someone lower rated, as I did on Monday at the club. Quickly too (opening phase). So today I ordered a CD on the opening he used. I will lose again, but not to that opening, and so hopefully not to that guy.
There’s no cure for that feeling except to focus it as a way to motivate you. Everyone loses – and think about Anand, when he loses, it’s always to someone lower rated!
Robert said,
June 10, 2008 at 4:18 pm
When I finished the post I knew I’d come into the comments and see lots of people encouraging you…that’s good, but my recent hiatus has shown me that there’s something to be said for a good break from time to time.
If Vicary is offering to look at some of your games though that’s some motivation there; but I would suggest you not look at anything chess at all this week, see if you feel The Hunger coming back next week, that you want to look at chess again. If so, then good, otherwise let it go for awhile, and you will come back fresher and stronger.
es_trick said,
June 10, 2008 at 4:32 pm
[QUOTE who="Blunderprone"]Dude,
I’ve been attempting to improve my chess since I was 6 years old. I had moments where my improvement shot up like a hockey stick and LONG periods where my play was so stagnant that mosquitoes were hatching.
I’ve learned a few things along the way:
1) Those under-sections are mainly transitional sections where a LOT of folks young and old are growing the ratings. You and 50% of teh top field went in thinking they SHOULD win that section.
2) Right now, it hurts too much when you lose to a hockey stick. [/QUOTE]
To underscore what BP said, I notice that two of your opponents were indeed “hockey sticks,” having gained 215 – 265 rating points in just this one tournament.
Liquid Egg Product said,
June 10, 2008 at 6:27 pm
You might have spelled “Buddah” wrong.
And ditto those other guys.
Polly said,
June 10, 2008 at 7:23 pm
That section is the “Forrest Gump” section. You never know what you’re going to get.
Take it from the “Queen of Beat Herself Up Silly” cut yourself a freaking break!! Bad chess happens!
Damn it boy! You’re the envy of all those single male chess bloggers because Lizzy herself has offered to look at your games. She’s a damn good teacher. Look how well her students have done over the years. Send her your games, and make a date to chat on ICC or FICS. She can be a big help. If she invites you to come to NY you’ll have to come visit the Marshall Chess Club. Maybe you’ll even get to play me when I’m having one of my major sucking it all over the place castle queenside 0-0-0 tournaments.
chessdad64 said,
June 11, 2008 at 5:21 am
Chessloser:
Your entry almost brought me to tears. Please take note of my open letter to you at http://chessdad64.journalspace.com
best chess regards,
brad
Getting to 2000 said,
June 11, 2008 at 7:24 am
Very interesting entry as usual. I especially like the paragraph were you talk about “gods/the universe conspiring against you” . We all feel like that some times.
You started 3-0 and should have won the last 2. No shame in that.
I recently went 0-7 in a tournament, I took a few weeks off and just last w-end won clear first
Get your revenge at the North American open in Vegas – Dec. 2008..
Tacticus Maximus said,
June 11, 2008 at 8:46 am
Sounds to me like your chess is doing fine but you need to work on your meta-chess. Not tactics, strategy, openings or endings but playing the game. Keeping your head in the game on every move and keeping your emotions in check.
decredico said,
June 11, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Philadelphia … The City of Brotherly Love Dolls.
When in Phila, make sure to visit the former armpit of America: Camden. Despite recent gentrification efforts that found success on the western banks of the Delaware, Camden remains full-on hairy and sweaty (in the not so good way, unlike my wife) and steadfastly refuses to apply even nominal amounts of antiperspirant or deodorant.
Let me buy you a real Cheese Steak with or wihout, and not from the touron temples of beef production to which most Phillystines and tourons tend to flock.
I’m talkin old neighborhood shit here, dude.
Yo yo, yo! Overbrook Water ice and two soft pretzels w/ mustard for anyone with ovaries enough to say hello .
blunderprone said,
June 11, 2008 at 1:43 pm
So Decredico, you talking Geno’s or what? Whiz or Wizout?
d! said,
June 11, 2008 at 2:06 pm
meh …
too much to read, glad ya had fun, glad ya made it back. peas -d!
Antonio Mendoza said,
June 11, 2008 at 2:47 pm
C/L,
Of course you earned those 3 wins. Even Kasparov can’t win a game unless his opponent makes a mistake. The fact that your wins looked easy to yourself is evidence that you are improving. Add to this that you could have had two more wins. Give yourself a pat on the back, take a nice break, then come on back to circuit.
BTW, that Mrs. CL has a sexy hand, if I may judge from the header photo.
Tony (not my real name)
decredico said,
June 12, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Flotsam & Jetsom:
~ Not Geno’s. A few secret spots, along with a couple perhaps more well known now, such as
D’Allesandro’s in Roxborough is still in the top 5.
Jim’s Steaks in WEST PHILA on 62nd Street off Girard. Nice neighborhood, Morone’s Italian Ice is right down the street on 63rd. Jim’s on 4th & South is a great experience, but the steaks at the original location in West Phila are the Kasparov/Karpov of the beef world. There are a few others I will keep closer to my vest, at this juncture.
~ Not sure if original Overbrook Water Ice is still there, right across street from the High School where the Big Dipper probably knocked out the first 3 to 5 thousand of his 20K. It’s only a 15 ride from the WO Location and I will make daily trips for Chocolate and Cherry Water Ices and pretzels.
ARROGANT WARNING TO ALL: I am planning to win the Blitz Tournament u/1800 section, but please enter anyway so the prize fund stays at the advertised levels.
~ If I ever write a Chess Movie I have my title: Sand Bagger Vance.
Play that in a Bathrobe as well….my boys love their freedoms.
~ Getting better at chess makes little to no sense to the universe, only to us.
It’s really the same as getting better at Parchesi or Monopoly. Even being the World Champion still makes you the best person at wasting time playing a board game. It’s one reason why so many really intelligent people (well rounded, closer to Maslow’s penthouse types–at least in their own perspectives..hehe) get away from chess and try to do something tangible with their lives, and at some point even try to use that same energy to do something worthwhile for someone else.
So many of us people get into the teaching aspect of it to sustain our selfish desires to keep playing a silly board game. At least this way we create plausible justification to maintain and feed our obsession by staking claim to the idea that we have given something back.
But to whom and for what real reason?
And to what end?
To this extent, part of me recognizes a good bit of pathos for the Robsons & Nips who should skin their knees more often and at this stage of their lives should really be looking for privacy so they can start holding their own current version of a Farah Fawcet poster with one hand.
Before its too late.
decredico said,
June 12, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Max: If you are really playing people at competitive level it is very hard to get positive scores. I refer you to the K-K wars.
Winning is for losers.
There are three sides to every coin, not two. Participation on the thin edge is where it’s at, baby. Don’t all of life’s greatest pleasure come from the edge? They do. The extremities are where the best nerve sensations come from. Bulging, tingling extremities are always fun to play with and our biggest desires usually involve someone doing just this to our own bulgy, dangly bits.
I guess the point here is if, maybe, if you stop your functional relationships you can channel that energy into your chess. Seems to work for a lot of stronger players.
I am hoping to draw all my WO main event games and will view each win or loss as total failure.
It’s my own idiotic chess version of keeping a chair balanced on two legs while maintaining the addictive sensation that at any moment it could tip over…either way, like an egg on the zenith of the pitched roof top of an A frame at 9,000 feet when the wildflowers are blooming.
Love that feeling, dude.
And, I always pass the dutchie on the left hand side.
anon said,
June 12, 2008 at 3:57 pm
I got the idea from your last tournament, where you were upset that your opponent didn’t resign, that you didn’t like playing the endgame/late middlegame much.
You might try playing on Yahoo. No one resigns on there until they are completely crushed. It’s annoying at first, but like a lot of things, the exact reason you don’t like it is why it’s good for you.
chessloser said,
June 12, 2008 at 4:49 pm
everyone – thanks for the advice and support. seriously, it helps a lot.
Blunderprone said,
June 12, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Get one of my new old timey chess shirts I now have posted. They’re sure to cheer you up and improve your game.
d! said,
June 12, 2008 at 5:37 pm
what are you sayin i didn’t give any GOOD advice!
i never do!
-d!
Magicmunky said,
June 17, 2008 at 10:18 am
You haven’t LIVED until you are beaten by a guy who is 75 year old, blind in one eye and hadn’t won a game in two years AND is over 200 points lower than you.
Take in one the chin, get mad and get even.