hardcore pawnography

chess was a burning flame in my soul, an all encompassing passion, a torrid love affair, a reckless addiction, a compelling need.

lately though, the bright sun that is chess has seem to gone supernova, burned out to a black hole.  yeah, it’s interesting, yeah i blitz on ICC, but my interest has emulated the stock market, and gone down considerably.  there was a brief upswing, the dead cat did indeed bounce, but it remained dead, and landed with a dull thud.

perhaps it is because i am working “part time” meaning six nights a week, midnight to 0800 am, and i dont sleep during the day, so i am tired and dazed and grumpy.  perhaps i just realized i will never really get good at chess, my attention span is shorter than keanu reeves’ singing career, and quite frankly, i’m not that smart.

maybe i just, deep down inside, know its just a game, and i see people take it so seriously, like online rating is a direct reflection of themselves, it kind of puts me off.

maybe i’ve just OD’d on blitz.

either way, spring is here, i wanna ride my bike, i wanna sleep for more than 3 hours in a 24 hour period, i’m going to japan next month.  chess is taking a back seat.

i have the greatest respect and i’m humbled by those of you who have kept the fire and passion alive for so long, who continue to be teased by the secrets chess has to offer, who follow it down the rabbit hole to see just how far it goes, knowing you will never ever ever find the end.  that is what makes you so damn good, and i salute you.

part of me is sad, its like losing my religion.   but for now, i’m gonna go do other stuff.

chigago open, philly open, vegas, reno, so many tournaments that are out there, so many tournaments that i wont be playing in this year.

no, i will not be going to any tournaments this year, partly because i’m not really focused on chess right now, and partly because its just so expensive right now.  not counting the entrance fee, there is airfare, hotels, rental cars, with the economy the way it is, i have to be a bit more frugal with my savings.

and it struck me.   i cannot be the only one who is thinking like this.  what will the tanking economy’s impact be on chess tournaments, and by extension, the chess scene itself?

then i got to thinking, obama is doing a lot to change the country, and not for the better.  all these government programs to “help” the people have to be funded by someone, the government doesn’t just give you shit for free out of its pocket.  all these government programs, the bailout, free healthcare, all that, comes from TAX DOLLORS that everyone must pay.  so our taxes are going up, giving us less money for chess tournaments and the cool new book on the latest in the catalan opening.

obama is also doing some hinky shit, like the blair holt gun control bill, making it a criminal act to not register as a gun owner.  why does the government need to know i have a gun?  it also makes it more difficult to buy guns and ammo.   how does this affect the hunters and people who live off of hunting, feeding themselves and others off what the earth gives us, instead of processed crap food that makes us fat and unhealthy.

but i digress…

thing is…people are so worried about what is happening, the government running things into the ground, chess is a low priority, being put on the back burner.   what will happen to chess?

so i think i figured it out.  obama is working for the russians, it all makes sense.  he is a socialist, bit of a communist, and he wants to get the government running everything, take the power away from the people.  but why?  why would he do that?  because the russians were afraid we would start to dominate chess.  so not only do they get the united states to turn communist so they can rub it in our face, but also, seeing as no one will be playing much chess because everyone is worried about jobs and eating and living in a house instead of their car, we will fall out of the whole chess scene, and the russians will again dominate the chess world.

fuckin obama.  not only is he destroying my country bit by bit, but he’s also taking away chess.  if it gets much worse, we need to have a revolution and take back our country and chess.

yesterday was dr. seuss’s birthday. my winning streak is like dr seuss. dead. i’m back to losing, all is right with the world.

amazing grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me

i once was lost, but now i’m found

was blind but now i see

so i was reading silman’s reassess your chess workbook which i really really like, and there was a great problem where i had to find which move was best. i didnt find it. i didnt come close. it was a pawn move.

i just didn’t see it. why?!?!?!?!? i was chessblind.

this makes no sense, how could i not see the move?  all the pieces are right there on the board, nothing is hidden.

it’s as if my mind refused to acknowledge that little pawn could or should move. it’s like my mind only looks for good moves, blatant and bold moves, big piece moves. master games are filled with “quiet moves” that mean a lot, and my not recognizing small moves means i’m not playing with my whole army, and also it shows how crappy a chess player i really am. ouch, my ego.

not seeing every possible move also severely limits creativity, and to me, creativity is not just the fun part of chess, but an important part. its what makes you sac your bishop for no apparent reason, when 4 moves later your opponent has to resign or face mate because of what you saw and did.

it might be tedious, but i think i will go over a game, and EACH move, look for and actively recognize EVERY possible move, no matter how stupid or crazy or worthless. train my brain to see EVERY possible move that can be made, and then train it to evaluate which might be good or bad.

i’m hoping this will be my amazing grace, and i will no longer be chessblind.

oh, and in case you didnt know, amazing grace, the theme to gilligan’s island and the animals’ house of the rising sun are all interchangeable, you can sing any of the lyrics to any of the melodies. this is good to know and can be rather fun if you go to a church that sings amazing grace.

so, i’ve been winning a lot.  not that i am complaining, but its strange for me.   i’ve been consistently beating 1200s, 1400s, even the occasional 1500.  i went two days playing games on ICC and winning them all.  i feel like i am almost a real chessplayer.  it was like i couldn’t lose.  i wonder if this is kind of how capablanca felt?

i’ve been playing a trompowsky colle.  i think i invented it.  i love the colle, it seems so natural and easy to me, i guess i like it because i understand it, i know what i am going to do.  i’m gonna put everything i can into supporting e4.   but before i do this, i put my bishop on g5, usually move 2, ala trompowsky.  i doubt this is a sound maneuver, (unlike the heimlich maneuver, which, while useless in chess, is a great maneuver for choking victims).

but i seem to win with it.  perhaps its all those capablanca and petrosian games i’m going over.  perhaps its the tactics ive been studying.  i dont know why, but i’ve been winning a lot.  and i like it.

but its odd.  i’m so used to just losing, i keep waiting for the dream to end, the bubble to pop, the clock to strike midnight me to turn back into an unstoppable losing juggernaut, able to lose to the crappiest player on ICC.

i’m gonna ride this wave as long as i can.