hardcore pawnography

went mountainbiking the other day on a trail that was way beyond my ability, both technically and fitness wise.  i knew it would be, but i wanted to do it anyway for two reasons:  1. so i know what that trail was about, so i know for sure it is beyond my ability and i don’t just take what is told to me as truth, i wanted to prove to myself for sure it is beyond my ability.  question everything.  and B. i can’t improve unless i push myself and do things beyond my ability.   the only way to learn how to ride that trail is to ride that trail.  i’m hoping i can someday ride that trail a bit better, i’m hoping that trail will be within my ability and i deserve to be on(?) belong on(?) that trail

the beautiful thing about that trail was the downhill parts, where i had to really really stay focused and concentrate and think.  when mountainbiking on a twisty sketchy trail, your mind can’t wander, or you fall off a mountain or at least fuck up you and your bike on rocks or in cactus or against a tree (note:  trees are really really hard and can crack your ribs if you hit them just right.  cactus needles stick in are difficult to get out).

for me, mountainbiking is a zen practice.  i have to live “in the now” and my mind can’t wander, it has to stay focused on what i am doing, my breathing, where i put my feet, all that stuff.  i don’t care about bills, work, who the next president will be any of that, there is just me and the mountain.  but at the same time, i have to “think ahead.”  when you are on a trail, you have to look as far ahead the trail as possible, and “pre-ride” the trail in your mind, see where you are going to go.  you don’t look down where you are, you look ahead where you are going to be, and you adjust now for what will be in a few seconds.  the now is already gone, past, done.

to me, this applies so much to chess it’s not even a stretch for me to make it apply.   first off, my mind can’t wander when i play, i have to “be present” and see what the fuck is going on on the board.  i can’t think of chess when i am biking down a mountain on a trail that is barely wider than my front tire, and i can’t think of biking when i’m playing chess.  obvious when i’m sitting around typing it out, but when i’m at the board actually playing chess, what is really going on in my mind?  cycling teaches me to focus, teaches me to keep my mind on one task, and i need that when i play chess.

thinking ahead, mentally “pre-riding” the trail is important to be ready for what’s coming and set up to deal with whatever is ahead.  my position now is important, but i have to look ahead, what will my position be in two or three moves?  so i have to think of now, but also think of the immediate upcoming unavoidable future and prepare to handle that.  will i need a bishop covering that square?  will i need my rook on that file?

so how can i improve my chess?  questions.  proving to myself what is the truth.   when a child learns a language, he takes it at face value, doesn’t ask why, just copies and does.   i tried learning chess by taking the moves from grandmaster games as the answer, not questioning, just copying them and doing what they do.  but that only lasts so long, eventually a child starts asking why.  “why is the sky blue?”  (cause if it were green, you wouldn’t know where to stop mowing the lawn).  “why is it raining?” (cause god is crying.  “why is god crying”  probably something you did, now shut up and leave me alone).   i have to ask why.  why did alekhine move his bishop there?  why didn’t he take the knight first?  why did he take the pawn with the bishop and not the knight or the other pawn?  why why why?

now, instead of taking every move i see as the absolute correct one, i have to ask why.  i have to have that annoying childlike wonder, question each move and prove it was correct or not.  doing so which will hopefully lead me to the answer, and i will learn lots of little crap along the way that i didn’t’ even know existed.  and hopefully i’ll learn the game better and be stronger.

right now, a rating of 2000 is a trail way beyond my ability, and i know that.  i’m hoping i will somehow learn enough to deserve to be on(?) belong on(?) that trail.

monday morning, just got back from running. why i wake up before 6 .am. to run baffles me. i can’t say i honestly enjoy it, but i do it. not always, but enough. when i run, in addition to thinking “this sucks, i hate this, i want to stop, i could be eating a pizza, ” i also think about other crap, like how much i want to really really really learn chess, it’s mysteries, its inner secrets. running isn’t teaching me about chess, but it does build up my tolerance for suffering, so i can handle losing at tournaments a bit better.

the tour de france is over. someone came in last. that guy, for the rest of his life, can brag about it. people can say “yeah, but you finished last in the tour de france” and he can, with all pride, answer “yup. i FINISHED the TOUR DE FRANCE.” first off, the guy finshed. second, it was le tour. to come in last in le tour is cooler and better than winning some of the smaller races. it’s the freakin tour.

well, i kinda wanna be that guy in chess. i don’t need to be a grand master, i don’t need to dominate and destroy. but i want to be good enough to come in last at the highest levels. i want to look at a position and correctly say “oh, white looks strong, and more developed, but black’s king is safer and black is generating a strong attack against a weaker white king, so black has a better position. i’d move b5.”

i’m probably going to enter the chess tournement in reno, nevada, october this year. gives me something to train for, something to shoot for. and i might get to meet r.l. pearson of wahrheit chess blog fame. and it’s reno, so there is that.

i shall leave you with a puzzle. it’s not tactics, it’s positional.

white to move and eventually win. i’ll post the answer tomorrow evening arizona time.

looks like alberto contador will take the yello jersey at paris tomorrow. levi liephiemer rode his friggin ass off today. i don’t much care for time trials, but damn, today’s time trial between cadell evans, contador, and liephiemer was exciting, down to seconds. good stuff.

so i saw a car with handicapped plates, and on the roof of said car was a bad ass mountain bike. these things just don’t seem to go together.

i wonder if the devil ever walks into a fish market and tells the fishmonger “i’d like to buy your sole.”

and to close out this saturday, Wahrheit sent me some pics from the reno chess club, which i will share with you all.

shout out to the reno chess club!  thanks for the pics.

(note: i don’t know why some are thumbnails and the last is a large pic. click on the pics for full image)

next week i’m going to chess camp, it’s gonna be GREAT!   we are gonna make smore’s using the black pawns, we are gonna glue macaroni to score sheets and make cool knight and rook pictures.  we are gonna sit around a campfire roasting bishops and the camp IM counselor will tell us scary stories of the kid at the tournement who would beat everyone and take thier rating points, and later they found out that kid died years ago in a freak chess accident at that same tournament!

or maybe it’s not gonna be like that, i’ve never been to one, i don’t know.  i guess it will be a few hours a day surrounded by 13 year olds who are better than me, learning chess.  why don’t they just call it a chess seminar?  i guess cause kids won’t want to go to a “seminar,” but they will go to “camp.”   either way, i’m pretty excited.  i should learn a whole bunch of stuff, which is pretty damn cool.  bout damn time i did some learnin.

this weekend i will study positions, go over tactics, and compare the games between botvinnik and tal, see what made who win in thier match in 1960 1nd 1961.

i’m still gonna watch le tour, but, it’s just so….frustrating.  rasmussen is out, no yellow jersey yesterday, as no one wanted to “inherit” the jersey, so they rode and contador is in 1st place.  cofidis is out cause one of thier guys tested positive.

i almost can see the doping.  these guys are riding over 100 miles a day almost every day for 3 weeks.  up huge mountains, fast.  thier bodies are being pushed to the limits.  but i guess that’s not an excuse. damn, just ride these last days and lets move on…

anyone reading this, i hope you have a great weekend.

today was stage 16 on the tour, which ends sunday. holy crap, what drama. vinokurov, who came back to win not just the time trial but a stage, has withdrawn for testing positive for a blood transfusion. now, i think he got the transfusion to clean out his knee, which had gone totally septic. michael rasumussen, to my surprise, retains the yellow, and today, i thought contador would take it, but NO! contador tried, coudln’t do it, and rasumussen pulled away and further cemented his lead. one last time trial to go, barring some freak accident, or a really bad ride, it looks like rasmussen will win the tour. but it’s still close enough to be surprised, so there is that.

ok, chess….

i know i have all the books i need, i now need to study them and learn. so what did i do? i bought more. but these are the last i will buy, i SWEAR!

first, hanging out in a bookstore, i bought “imagination in chess” by paata gaprindashvili. it’s a book of 756 positions, taken from actual games. all you do is study them and try to figure out what the next moves will be. kind of like a tactics book, but it’s not just tactics, there are regular positional moves and such. i need this and like it, a great book to have while waiting in line or at a red light or between commercials on tv.

next, yesterday the mailman delievered TWO books by mark dvoretsky, “Secrets of chess training” and “Strategic play.” i got them becuase josh waitzkin mentioned dvoretsky in “the art of learning.” i’ve looked through both of them, and i love them immediately. they are like workbooks, with lectures and puzzles and these two books alone could and will take me a year to really learn from them, and even then i won’t have all they have to offer. they are like graduate level text books. no, i definately do NOT need any more books.

here is a list of my chess books:

“Secrets of chess training” - mark dvoretsky

“Strategic play” - mark dvoretsky

“imagination in chess” - paata gaprindashvili

“complete book of chess strategy” jeremy silman

“Amateurs mind” - silman

“my system” - nimzowitsch

“chess openings for white, explained” - lev alburt

“chess openings for black, explained” - alburt

“chess strategy for the tournament player” -alburt

“practical chess analysis” - mark buckley

“think like a grandmaster” - alexander kotov

“logical chess move by move”- irving chernev

“capablancas best chess endings” - chernev

“winning chess, how to see 3 moves ahead” - chernev and reinfeld

“the most instructive games of chess ever played” - chernev

“combinations, the heart of chess” - chernev
“the life and games of mikhail tal” - tal

“grandmaster chess move by move” - john nunn

“mammoth book of the worlds greatest chess games” - grahm burgess, john nunn, john emms

“art of attack” - vladimir vukovic

“understanding chess tactics” - martin weteschnik

“chess tactics for champions” susan polger

“chess the art of logical thinking” - neil mcdonald

“chess the mechanics of the mind” - helmut pfleger and gerd treppner

“”500 master games of chess” - dr. s. tartakower and j. du mont

“alexander alekhine master of attack” - alexander raetsky and maxim chetverik

“alexander alekhine games 1902 - 1922″ (just game moves and positions, no commentary or anything)

” zurich tournament 1953″ - david bronstein

“new york international tournament 1924″ - alekhine

“the gruenfeld defense revealed” - michael khodarkovsky

“the modern benoni revealed” - richard palliser (thanks wang)

“starting out: the king’s indian” - joe gallagher

“mastering the middlegame” - angus dunnington

“concise chess openings” - neil mcdonald

“chess openings the easy way” nick de firmian

“teach yourself better chess” (i like this, it’s a fun little book with reminders and tips and small bite size lessons, two pages long).

and that, i think, is everything. for now.

if you have any comments on the books, if you know some of the info is bullshit, if you have any questions about the books, whatever, please please, resspond away. let it become a discussion. i’d like to hear everyone’s opinion.

*allusion to shakespear, pretty classy, huh?

stage 9, tour resumes in the mountains, those boys are suffering more than i do playing chess.  vinokourov is riding with stitches in both knees and an elbow.   imagine peddling a bicycle up a mountain, and not just a regular mountain, but an alp, with fresh stiches in both knees.  those dudes are harder than woodpecker lips.

so i finished “the art of learning” by josh waitzkin.   it was mostly how great he is at whatever he wants to do.  apparently, as a kid, he was walking in the park, saw chess for the first time, and gave the guy he played a hard time winning as he was learning the rules.  he talked about his rise to chess stardom and then his rise to kung fu stardom.

perhaps i expected something different, which put me off.  maybe i was expecting a “how to learn” kind of book, and he does give some guidance and tips, but the majority of the book is about him struggling and excelling at his pursuits.  as i said in a previous post, i did learn that there are two types of learning, entity and incrementaly.  i am an entity learner, therefore i defeat myself often .   there were some interesting parts in the book, but mostly it’s a kind of biography of his struggles and successes with a few tips on how you can be a bit better.

at first i wanted to say “fuck you josh waitzkin, thanks for telling me how naturally gifted you are and how i’m not” because it seemed to be one big fluff piece on how awesome he is.  but as i read along, i could see he was trying, maybe, to “teach” via the parables of his life stories. yeah, it’s easy for me to bag on the guy, but really, what do i know, i’m just some idiot with a crappy blog, he is travveling around with an agent giving seminars.
as a book, it is written quite well, easy to read, rather exciting in some parts (if you enjoy following a kung fu match, i do) and i am sure if you try you can take away something from it.  it’s not a horrible book, not at all, i’m glad i read it and i might go back and re-read a part or two, but there was no great revelations, it’s not a guide to learning or a how-to self improvement book.   it’s a “learn what you can by reading what i’ve done and get inspired” kind of book.

maybe the answers are right there in front of me and i’m too dumb to see them, that is entirely possible.   i would reccommend the book if you have time. i’d get it from the library though first, and if you really really like it, go ahead an buy it.  there might be something in the book that talks to you and puts you on the right track.

it’s monday, a rest day for the tour, but not for me. one thing most people don’t understand about cycling, the guys who ride the tour de france, on thier “rest” day, they ride. they have to. it’s only about 50 miles, at an easy pace, but they can’t not ride. when the tour is over, they have to ride, they can’t just stop, or thier body siezes up. that is why they enter small races on the way home, to wean themselves off the bike. cycling is an extreme sport.

as for me, i am gearing up for friday. right now on the chess tactics server, i am at 70%, exactly,  thanks to following dk-transformation’s advice and taking it slow and solving the problems correctly.   i will continue and hopefully my percentage will get over 85, and my overall rating will have naturally increased.  i’m now at 1406, with my highest being 1506, exactly 100 points.   it’s wierd when numbers are perfect and round like that.

so here is my new thing.  i am memorizing games.  whole games, about 35 moves or less.  i play them over and over until i can play them two or three times without looking at the book.   i did this yesterday, memorized three games, and now, today, i can’t remember them, only bits and pieces.  but i think that somewhere, deep in the dark recesses of my brain, they are there and perhaps if i come across a similar position, i will “intuitevely” know what to do.  that’s what i’m hoping anyway.   the whole concept of memorizing a whole game, it’s probably quite obvious and well known and others might say “well, DUH!, that is what you are supposed to do” but i thought you were just supposed to study positions and tactics and over the course of lots of studying you just learned and memorized the positions, they became familiar.   i don’t know if it will work, but i kind of enjoy it, and i should get something out of it.  that’s my thing for this week anyway.

as far as getting a chess coach….yeah, i know, i need one and i want one.  here is the problem.  there is a chess teacher, Levon Altounian, right there in tucson.  the guy is awesome, freindly, so fucking smart, and is a great teacher.   i’ve taken two lessons with him, and i would totally study under him for the rest of my life if i could, but fate/the gods aren’t having any of that.   i am moving in a month or two to colorado.  so, i find a fantastic opportunity, a treasure, right here where i live now, but now that i found him, i know he is here, i can’t learn from him, i’m leaving.   i would like to take as many lessons from him as i could while i still can, but his schedule is super busy, and when he has time, i’m not around, so our schedules right now don’t jive.  he will be totally open next month, which is when i will be leaving, so there is that.   that is frustrating to no end.  its like life is intentionally rubbing my nose in it, taunting me, showing me what i can’t have.  so there is that.

for now i will just keep reading books and studying and doing what i can. i’m moving to a small town in colorado far from denver or colorado springs or anywhere chess is happening, so that will be a challenge.   who knows, maybe i’ll find someone who can teach me.

and now, i have some games to memorize.

tour de france - stage 8 - holy freaking crap! linus gerdemann, riding for t-mobile, out of nowhere, explodes up the damn mountain and wins the stage, the yellow jersey, and the white jersey in one shot. greatest day of his life, no doubt. perhaps if t-mobile treats him better and gives him the support they didn’t give ulrich he could replace ulrich as the team’s man. kick ass gerdemann, i hope this is the start of a great carreer. amazing stage today.

ok, so lately i’ve been a bit down and frustrated and honestly, last night i didn’t want to go to this upcoming tournament.  last night i just wanted to delete this blog, throw out the books, and never play chess again.  i went to tucson and played at the coffeeshop, won 1, draw 1, lost 1.  i had a great time, i was happy, but i came home, got online, and lost, and it put me back in funk. i couldn’t sleep, my mind was taunting me and telling me how much i suck, how i should just give up, etc etc.  my mind is a real dick.   since i wasn’t sleeping, i decided to read to perhaps get me to sleep, and i started reading “the art of learning” by josh bobby ficher whatever-his-last-name-is. good book, i’ll talk about it in another post when i’m done with it.

it got me thinking. what the hell am i doing? why am i frustrated? why am i letting a fucking game, a GAME, something that is not important in the least and means nothing, ruin my life? why am i blogging about it?  stupid blog is just a spotlight on what a failure i am.  what the fuck was i thinking?  fuck the tournament, i’ll go, i’ll lose all my games, and no one will hear from me again.  everyone can say “i knew he wouldn’t last.” screw it all.

i started playing chess a few months ago, i decided i would set a goal and try to become a rated master.  it’s been less than a year, i’ve been in one tournament, and i guess, since i haven’t reached a rating of 1700 yet, with one tournament down and a few months of chess under my belt, i feel like a failure. how fucked up am i?

i started the blog to hold my hand to the fire. i knew if i set a goal, and no one knew about it, then i could easily just say “fuck it” and move on. but if i made it public, then i would force myself to finish my goal. also, this blog is a record for me, it’s so i can chart my progress and go back to it. why online, why not in a notebook? i also keep a notebook, but i did it online because i guess there is that bit of exhibitionist in me, and i wanted feedback from other chessplayers, and, well, i like being part of something big. chess is big.

but then part of me thinks, if i don’t attain the level of master RIGHT NOW, the crap i spew on my blog isn’t worth anything. if i had a decent rating, then i would be taken somewhat seriously (not that i am really serious about anything, but, um….yeah….).

so the book. it pointed out what one of my problems is. i am a bad learner. things in life generally came easy to me, so i didn’t have to work at most stuff. so now, as an adult, if i come across some difficulty, i immediately think “well, i am just not cut out for this, its not meant for me, fuck it i should quit.” and this is exactly how i think. and that is wrong. other people who realise succsess in things comes from work, when faced with failure or difficulty, see it as “ok, i can’t do this, so now i must figure it out, work, study, and then i will be able to.” they realize success comes from expended energy.

it’s been written that anyone can attain a rating of master in about 5 years, with concentrated and focused study and hard work and possibly going to the crossroads in the south and selling your soul. it’s a matter of time and effort. i have to constantly remember that. i have to see my failures as indicators of what i need to work on to improve, arrows pointing me where i need to put forth some effort.

this blog right here, this is a place where i can write not just my numerous and unending series of failures and my occasional and rarer than an accordian playing unicorn successes, but a log of training, a record of milestones, and the random chess crap i think about. this blog, while on the internet and for public consumption, is ultimately for me. again, i also keep a notebook, but i write publically not just for others, but for me. making it public forces me to get better. that means that, while i usually write knowing others are reading, i will also write stuff just for me, that might not be relevant or interesting to anyone. for example…

got back from the gym yesterday, took a nap, and had a pretty fucked up dream. i think it was me in the dream, but i was watching a movie or something. and morgan freeman, who plays god in evan almighty and bruce almighty, was also god in my dream. and god said to the main character/me - “dude, you are playing too much chess and ignoring the rest of life. it’s an unhealthy obsession” and charles nelson riley was also in the dream, playing chess against me/main character. and the character/me was in an airport or something and ignored the flight to play chess with some guy. fucked up dream, yeah, but i am now dreaming of chess, and my dreams are telling me i am overdoing it. at least charles nelson riley understands….

but back to whatever the fuck i’m talking about now, cause really, i don’t even know anymore.

i want HARDCORE PAWNOGRAPHY to be an attitude, a mindset. i want it to be a funny blog, an interesting blog, a useful to others blog, a not so serious blog. and the same for the mindset. i’d like it to entertain others, but others must realize the blog here is for me to orgainze thoughts, get shit out of my head, keep track of my progress. i want it to be a record of my (cue john tesh music) “spiritual journey of self discovery and chess mastery.” ok, no, i don’t think that is exactly it.

i give myself one year. one year to be rated 1600 or better. there better be some damn improvement. if, in one year, i am still sucking at the level of suck i am at now, then i will say, with all my heart, “fuck it, i quit.”

i know what i need to do to improve. i know *what* i need to learn, what i don’t know how to do *is* learn. i need to learn how to learn. and i also need to learn how to play queen’s pawn openings. cause i like them.

i apologize for this post. if, for some strange reason, perhaps out of morbid curiosity, you are still reading, i’m sorry you had to read this. but get used to it, it might be like this for a while….

first, tour news. stage 5 was pretty damn exciting, a mountain stage with a sprint finish. saturday the mountains really begin, and the race gets crazy. cancellara maintains the yellow jersey. awesome.

k, so after much drinking and more self loathing than all the gonzo papers and shark hunts combined, and many hours on the chess tactics server, i won a game. really won it. against someone internet rated in the 1800’s. a big ego boost. granted the guy was probably doing other things while playing me or maybe sleepy or whatnot, but i managed to steal a win. i’m proud, damn proud. the game went something like this:

you can cut and paste into the PGN viewer provided to your RIGHT (thanks edwin) if you want to follow along with the 17 quick moves.

4 knights defense, i am black.

1. e4 e5 2. Nf3 Nc6 3. Bc4 Nf6 4. O-O Bc5 5. d3 O-O
6. Bg5 h6 7. Bh4 d6 8. h3 Ne7 9. Bxf6 gxf6 10. Qd2 Kh7
11. Nh4 Bxh3 12. gxh3 Rg8+ 13. Kh2 Ng6 14. Nf5 Nf4 15. Rg1 Rxg1
16. Kxg1 Qg8+ 17. Ng3 Qxg3+
0-1

standard boring ass opening up to move 5 (i somehow didn’t botch it up), on move 6 he pins the horse so i tickle him with the pawn. he doesn’t take, oh no, and on move 8 he moves h3. ok, i see this and think “i will sac my bishop and take this pawn to open shit up. it WILL happen. so i unpin on move 8 with the other horse. move 9 he DOES take, and i take with the pawn, opening up the g file. good, i want a direct link to his king, and i already planned on taking the h pawn. his queen to d2, i move my king to h7 to guard the pawn, but also to make way for the rook. oh yeah, i’m trembling with excitement. his horse to h4 and BAM MOTHERFUCKER, my bishop for your pawn and an open file. i think it’s a fair trade (i also lose way more games than i win, so there is that).

move 12 i check with the rook, his horse to f5, my horse to f4. this blocks the queen from the mate, and i also want to check with the rook on g2. he puts his rook on g1, and this is what i want. i take it, no thought, knowing it will put his king on g1. it’s over now, i know it. i check with the queen and he tries to block with the horse on g3. if you are following, do you see it? here is a pic, the board is flipped, it’s how i see it, it’s my (black’s) move:

it might be obvious to you all, but not to me, at first. this is where the chess tactics server came into play. i didn’t panic, i realized the pawn was pinned and the horse was mine, free and clear. i took it and white resigned.

it felt good, it felt like how i used to play, i need to feel that and play like that all the damn time. i hope i play like that next weekend.

before we get to the chess portion of the program….

for those who aren’t watching the tour….cancellara STILL has the yellow! freaking amazing, considering the huge crash yesterday at the end, and him limping in with what looked like a shoulder injury. finish was crazy, boonen couldn’t outride his lead out, and the lead out couldn’t slow down with all the heat on his heels, so the lead out won the stage, and boonen took second.

so, today i played for a few hours online, and proceeded to lose nonstop, like i was getting paid for it. i was at that point to where i was realizing i am just not going to ever get it and i need a new hobby, ready to delete the blog and move on with my crappy ass life, when i somehow managed to win. the win was filled with despair and shall be annotated in the style of h.p. lovecraft….

i am black, you can cut and paste and follow along with the pgn viewer over to the left…
1. c4 e5 2. Nc3 Nf6 3. e4 Bc5 4. h3 Nc6 5. Nf3 h6
6. d3 d6 7. Be2 b6 8. O-O Nd4 9. a3 Nxf3+ 10. Bxf3 Nh7
11. Qe2 Ng5 12. Be3 Bxe3 13. Qxe3 Nxh3+ 14. gxh3 Bxh3 15. Bg2 Be6
16. Qg3 g5 17. Bh3 Bxh3 18. Qxh3 Qf6 19. Nd5 Qd8 20. Qf5 c6
21. Nf6+ Kf8 22. Nd7+ Kg7 23. f4 Rg8 24. Kh2 gxf4 25. Rg1+ Kh8
26. Rxg8+ Kxg8 27. Rg1+ Kh8 28. Qxf7 Qh4+ 29. Kg2 Rg8+ 30. Kf1 Qh3+
31. Kf2 Qh2+
0-1

the opening, the english, was an appropos name, as it was dreary, gray and somewhat melancholy like the island that bears it’s name. it reminded me of…but i cannot say, as it will bring back the horrors i endured…

by move 5, although it was an english, it vaguely resembled a 4 knights opening, not that i had much expirience with that one either. on move 8 i move my sad horse to d4, an outpost clearly damned and cursed, although “protected” by a pawn and bishop. for some reason, perhaps in a fit of madness, my opponent chose to simply move a3, which i don’t see a reason for, but madness doesn’t need a reason, does it?

i now have a choice of losing my horse by taking either his cleric, or his steed, and i ponder this for a few pensive moments. i decide, perhaps influenced by some dark hand of the old ones, to take his horse, placing his king in a check as feeble as an old woman on her deathbed. my plan now is to move my horse from f6 to g5, in hopes of…but i can not say, the fear grips me like a cold dead hand… the way was rocky, and made perilous by the threat of the dark bishop, but i was prepared to open the rook’s file if need be.

my horse, arriving at his destination, was not met with force, but indifference, as my opponent moved his dark cleric not to take my horse, but to threaten my own bishop. hope had departed. i send my bishop to his death, and now the dark squares are not just dark, as if filled with some gruesome spectre, but weakened as well, weak like an old woman on her death bed…

another choice, take the light bishop, or the pawn? all reason would say to take the bishop, but, driven by madness and a dark and sinister plan that surely would not work, i took the pawn. for this reason alone it is clear god has turned his back on me, as how could he allow me to make such a foolish decision?

but my plan to move my unholy bishop into the kings territory succeeded. so far. my opponent, enraged with bloodlust, tries to again commit the double cleric murder, but i felt a spectral change in all the air, as if the laws of earth were bowing to greater laws, and retreated my bishop. he moves his queen to threaten my king, i advance a pawn, in hopes of one day opening that file and pinning his mistress with my rook. again, driven by madness, he tries to exchange bishops, and i cannot deny him this time. bishop kills bishop, queen takes revenge and kills bishop, and to this day, if you stand on h3, you can hear dark and loathsome laughing, mixed with such a cry as no man else ever heard, save in the Phlegethon of unrelateable nightmares, as the wind carries the tourtured souls of both clerics who died on that very spot.

as if awakening out of some dark dream, the position bore to my benumbed understanding the unexpected and dreadful knowledge that his horse was able to put me in a series of terrible checks, which i may not have escaped. i move my pawn to c6, but it only enrages the beast, and he repeatedly threatens my sire. he advances his pawn, which gives me a breif moment to trade the places of king and rook, but he moves his king out of the line of fire, over to the h file. i take his pawn on f4, to open the file regardless, he answers with a check and we are both a rook lighter.

my king cowering on h8 as if having looked directly upon the beast itself, his rook brazenly commanding the g file, his bloodthirsty queen taking the pawn and menacing on f7 surely there is no hope.

out of sheer desperation, my queen sallies forth to the h file, putting his king in check, taking some kind of initiative. with nowhere to go, his king blocks his rook, and my rook checks. he declines to take with his queen, and instead moves his king to f1, the move of a soul damned for eternity.

the end is in sight, but i musn’t go on, as the events are too terrible to relive. alas, i must stop now, lest the fear becomes too great and madness takes me whole. i can only say that two moves later, in a fit of utter despair, as one who gazes on the abyss, my opponent resignes his game, and his fate.

as every third grader knows, light is both a particle and a wave.  duh!   claus jonsson did the double slit experiment with electrons in 1961, and then they did it one electron at a time in milan in 1974 or so.  the double slit experiment is when they shoot light through a cardboard screen with two holes in it.  it shows interference by the light patterns on the wall, like waves breaking in an ocean, but only if you don’t try to observe it.  when you try to observe it, it forces the electron to choose a hole.   you can’t observe something without changing/altering/affecting it somehow.

this leads into schrodinger’s cat.  there is a cat in a box with a bottle of poison.  he might have tipped the poison and died, he might not have.  is the cat alive or dead?  you don’t really know until you open the box to look.  before you open the box, the cat is both alive and dead.  opening the box forces one conclusion or the other. 

this leads into the crazy ideas of different branches of reality. every choice we make leads us on a path, but somewhere, in an alternate reality, we made the other choice and went down another path. 

this leads us to openings.  do i take the horse with the bishop or not?  every opening, although somewhat set in certain moves, has a few points where you can choose between two or three options.  each opening has different branches, wich lead to different outcomes, different realities.   in some alternate universe, i have made the right moves and i am a kick ass chess player.   sadly, it’s not this universe. 

BUT!…..who is to say it isn’t?  ok, it’s not now, but if i were to somehow make the right choices, perhaps i could find myself with two bishops attacking a king in the corner with a fucked up castle, and maybe my horse putting pressure on him as well.  is it possible to make this reality that i am in right now the good one, the reality where i actually know what i’m doing?

is it possible to somehow change whatever path i’m on, possibly through study, dilligent practice,  or selling my soul to the hoary host of the netherworld, to make the right decisions, choose the correct path, and alter my future?  (according to noted professor robert plant, … there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there is still time to change the road you’re on.)  what pawn move within the first 5 moves did i make caused me to end up in this fucked up position? 

every move i make is a decision that alters the outcome of the game.  how do i learn to make the right decisions?  do i even have a choice in the overall matter?   i am currently in the running to become the king grand puba master of losing a won game.  even if i make the right moves early on, i manage to lose the game in the end.  as if i am fighting against god himself, and of course, being omnipotent, god has the edge, he aint gonna lose.   

i have to keep fighting, keep trying to control my destiny and make the right choices, be vigilant until my opponent tips his king.  what else can i do?  i have to keep playing until the day where i make the right moves, make the right decisions that put me on the path, the correct branch of all the possible realities, the branch where i actually win the damn game, which the majority of people take as a fun pastime and no more. 

until that day, i will have to live with someone repeatedly opening my box to find me losing.  damn him….

in other news…the giro d’italia has begun.  i am hoping my man cunego kicks ass this year.  perhaps hincapie might do well?  i just wish they showed it every day on tv, not just on sundays with a recap.  just cause lance armstrong isn’t riding anymore doesn’t mean there is no cycling….crazy americans…