hardcore pawnography

the first step in any program is to admit you have a problem.

i’m chessloser, and i have a chess addiction.

it started with blitz, now it’s just a full blown all around everything addiction.  the books, the e-books,  the videos on the internet, it’s all out there if you are looking for it.

i have noticed that i’m a bit of an addict, not unlike a heroin addict, or jeff conaway,  star of the hit movie grease, hit tv show taxi, and super star of celebrity rehab, where you see how he has snorted and drank himself retarded.    while, unlike jeff conaway, i can stand when i pee and i don’t’ have hallucinations of opium demons peeling my head like a tangerine, scooping out my brains, and using my empty skull as a guacamole bowl,  i find i will neglect everyday life things to play chess, much as a heroin addict will neglect things to take heroin.  for example, eating.

i love to eat and i love to cook and eat, but when i start playing chess, even if i am hungry, i will go all day without eating while i sit in front of the computer playing.  my wife calls out “dinner is ready” and i yell back “ok, be there in a minute” and an hour later, i come out of the room to an angry silence.   it’s hurting not just me, but my home.  sunday, my computer was on, we were watching tv, i went into my room to shut the computer off, that is all i had to do.  i quickly logged onto ICC to see if there was a game, then waited for a game, then played a quick game, then shut off the computer.  like a junkie going into the bathroom stall during dinner to “freshen up.” i just needed a quick game to keep me going through the day.

weird thing is, chess has taken most of my free time.  i used to read a lot, about 35-50 books a year.  since i’ve started really studying chess, that slowed down, and now, i haven’t read a non-chess book in months.   on my days off, i should be snowboarding, but i stay inside and study chess.  if i am not looking at a chessbook, i feel like i am missing something, like something is wrong.

i played a game yesterday, i felt totally in control of the game, i knew every move the guy made, i knew every answer to every move the guy made.  it was strange, weird, wonderful, and it only fueled the addiction,  i want all my games to be like that.  in the upcoming tournament, i want to crush my opponents, see them driven before me in their minivans and suburban assault vehicles,  and hear the lamentations of their moms.  and the only way i can make that happen is to study and play and study some more.

perhaps my “unhealthy” addiction  will pay off, and at the tournament, i shall stand victorious at the top of the e section, upon the broken pubescent bodies of my opponents.  and if not, i can always be on the next season of celebrity rehab with dr drew.

and all this time i thought there was no real chess going on in colorado, but it turns out, there is a grandmaster living right in my own home town. he is right in my own home! so i took the opportunity to interview GM McFuzz over a cup of tea, during a casual game (which he won, by the way, playing the “snuggles gambit” pawn shaman talked about, where he takes the pawn and bishop and then rolls all over the board.

chessloser: thanks for your time and allowing me to interview you. ok, first question: beef feast or tuna feast?

GM Mcfuzz: tuna feast. i hate beef feast, you know i won’t eat that crap.

cl: what do you think about the politics in chess, the uproar in the USCF and all that? is there a place for it, or does it ultimately have nothing to do with actual chess being played around the world?

GM Mcfuzz: feed me.

cl: do you think chess could ever be “mainstream”, like poker, being covered on the sports channels, or will it always be a “fringe” interest?

GM Mcfuzz: pet me.

cl: where do you see chess in 5 years? will it change much with all the computer support and technology and databases?

GM Mcfuzz: pay attention to me.

cl: do you have any favorite players, alive or dead, whose games you try to emulate?

GM Mcfuzz: pay attention to me or i’ll knock over important stuff and scratch your damn stereo speakers!

cl: if morphy were playing today, how well do you think he would do?

GM Mcfuzz: i’m gonna dip my tail in your tea.

cl: ok, thanks for your time, one last question, are there any blogs or chess sites you read frequently?

GM Mcfuzz: hey, what’s that over there? *gets up and goes into another room, then lays down and takes a nap*

chessloser industries announced today it plans on unveiling a prototype “chess shirt” at the next tournament.

CEO, founder, and only member of chessloser industries, chessloser, said he should be ready with his prototype shirt by the next tournament, and if public reaction is positive, production will begin in earnest by january 2008.

“i realized other sports and lifestyles have specialized clothing, it’s about time chess did as well. there is the GPS jacket for climbers, snowboarders have snowboarding pants and jackets and cool backpacks, mountain bikers have cool shorts with chamois lining and extra pockets and such, i think chess players need sport specific clothing as well,” said the (relatively) young (compared to, say, a 90 year old), rather swanky yet low rated and pretty crappy chess player.

the “chess shirt” is is made of micro fibers that automatically adjust to temperature, so when you are playing in a tournament hall that starts out cold, then gets really hot with all the bodies thinking and sweating, you remain comfortable. the fibers also wick away sweat, keeping you dry, and have anti-bacterial properties that cancel out body odor. this way, you don’t’ have to waste time showering. why spend one moment naked and wet when you could be brushing up on that obscure line of the alapin counter gambit?

the shirt comes with a plug-in that attaches to your clock and has a wireless transmitter. this way, when your opponent hits his clock, a small gentle vibration comes on for 5 seconds, alerting you to it being your move. so if you are playing an opponent who waits for you to get up to go to the bathroom and then moves so you waste time, or if you like to roam around and see how your friends are doing or just go to the bathroom, you know the second your clock starts ticking.

it also comes with a pocket for an mp3 player, a pen/pencil pocket on the sleeve, and a lined pocket to keep food such as cheese dip for nachos or peanut butter to snack on while you play. the suit also has a built in camelback reservoir and drinking tube, so you don’t have to get up to get a drink. (the built in camelback removes easily for cleaning, if you were to drink something other than water). there will also be an advanced model shirt that emits a signal jammer, to prevent any cheating by your opponent. one other possible option would be a special pen that hooks to the shirt. it records the moves you write down on your pad, then back in your room, you can download the moves directly from the shirt to your computer to start analyzing your game.

there are plans for additional attachments, such as a laminated chess record book that can be used in the rain and wet climates, and keeps your moves unsmudged if you spill coffee or water on it. the book will also be able to download moves into your computer for quick analyzing.