tour de france - stage 8 - holy freaking crap! linus gerdemann, riding for t-mobile, out of nowhere, explodes up the damn mountain and wins the stage, the yellow jersey, and the white jersey in one shot. greatest day of his life, no doubt. perhaps if t-mobile treats him better and gives him the support they didn’t give ulrich he could replace ulrich as the team’s man. kick ass gerdemann, i hope this is the start of a great carreer. amazing stage today.
ok, so lately i’ve been a bit down and frustrated and honestly, last night i didn’t want to go to this upcoming tournament. last night i just wanted to delete this blog, throw out the books, and never play chess again. i went to tucson and played at the coffeeshop, won 1, draw 1, lost 1. i had a great time, i was happy, but i came home, got online, and lost, and it put me back in funk. i couldn’t sleep, my mind was taunting me and telling me how much i suck, how i should just give up, etc etc. my mind is a real dick. since i wasn’t sleeping, i decided to read to perhaps get me to sleep, and i started reading “the art of learning” by josh bobby ficher whatever-his-last-name-is. good book, i’ll talk about it in another post when i’m done with it.
it got me thinking. what the hell am i doing? why am i frustrated? why am i letting a fucking game, a GAME, something that is not important in the least and means nothing, ruin my life? why am i blogging about it? stupid blog is just a spotlight on what a failure i am. what the fuck was i thinking? fuck the tournament, i’ll go, i’ll lose all my games, and no one will hear from me again. everyone can say “i knew he wouldn’t last.” screw it all.
i started playing chess a few months ago, i decided i would set a goal and try to become a rated master. it’s been less than a year, i’ve been in one tournament, and i guess, since i haven’t reached a rating of 1700 yet, with one tournament down and a few months of chess under my belt, i feel like a failure. how fucked up am i?
i started the blog to hold my hand to the fire. i knew if i set a goal, and no one knew about it, then i could easily just say “fuck it” and move on. but if i made it public, then i would force myself to finish my goal. also, this blog is a record for me, it’s so i can chart my progress and go back to it. why online, why not in a notebook? i also keep a notebook, but i did it online because i guess there is that bit of exhibitionist in me, and i wanted feedback from other chessplayers, and, well, i like being part of something big. chess is big.
but then part of me thinks, if i don’t attain the level of master RIGHT NOW, the crap i spew on my blog isn’t worth anything. if i had a decent rating, then i would be taken somewhat seriously (not that i am really serious about anything, but, um….yeah….).
so the book. it pointed out what one of my problems is. i am a bad learner. things in life generally came easy to me, so i didn’t have to work at most stuff. so now, as an adult, if i come across some difficulty, i immediately think “well, i am just not cut out for this, its not meant for me, fuck it i should quit.” and this is exactly how i think. and that is wrong. other people who realise succsess in things comes from work, when faced with failure or difficulty, see it as “ok, i can’t do this, so now i must figure it out, work, study, and then i will be able to.” they realize success comes from expended energy.
it’s been written that anyone can attain a rating of master in about 5 years, with concentrated and focused study and hard work and possibly going to the crossroads in the south and selling your soul. it’s a matter of time and effort. i have to constantly remember that. i have to see my failures as indicators of what i need to work on to improve, arrows pointing me where i need to put forth some effort.
this blog right here, this is a place where i can write not just my numerous and unending series of failures and my occasional and rarer than an accordian playing unicorn successes, but a log of training, a record of milestones, and the random chess crap i think about. this blog, while on the internet and for public consumption, is ultimately for me. again, i also keep a notebook, but i write publically not just for others, but for me. making it public forces me to get better. that means that, while i usually write knowing others are reading, i will also write stuff just for me, that might not be relevant or interesting to anyone. for example…
got back from the gym yesterday, took a nap, and had a pretty fucked up dream. i think it was me in the dream, but i was watching a movie or something. and morgan freeman, who plays god in evan almighty and bruce almighty, was also god in my dream. and god said to the main character/me - “dude, you are playing too much chess and ignoring the rest of life. it’s an unhealthy obsession” and charles nelson riley was also in the dream, playing chess against me/main character. and the character/me was in an airport or something and ignored the flight to play chess with some guy. fucked up dream, yeah, but i am now dreaming of chess, and my dreams are telling me i am overdoing it. at least charles nelson riley understands….
but back to whatever the fuck i’m talking about now, cause really, i don’t even know anymore.
i want HARDCORE PAWNOGRAPHY to be an attitude, a mindset. i want it to be a funny blog, an interesting blog, a useful to others blog, a not so serious blog. and the same for the mindset. i’d like it to entertain others, but others must realize the blog here is for me to orgainze thoughts, get shit out of my head, keep track of my progress. i want it to be a record of my (cue john tesh music) “spiritual journey of self discovery and chess mastery.” ok, no, i don’t think that is exactly it.
i give myself one year. one year to be rated 1600 or better. there better be some damn improvement. if, in one year, i am still sucking at the level of suck i am at now, then i will say, with all my heart, “fuck it, i quit.”
i know what i need to do to improve. i know *what* i need to learn, what i don’t know how to do *is* learn. i need to learn how to learn. and i also need to learn how to play queen’s pawn openings. cause i like them.
i apologize for this post. if, for some strange reason, perhaps out of morbid curiosity, you are still reading, i’m sorry you had to read this. but get used to it, it might be like this for a while….